“Marriage is an outdated construct."

Thoughts along those lines are the trend these days. People feel like marriage itself kills love, kills passion, kills joy, kills happiness and leads people to follow "archaic roles" that harm their ability to experience love.

Honestly speaking, some of these people might be right because previous marriage ideas in certain cultures and societies were pretty awful.

But Islam? The Holy Qur'an itself, revelation from the Lord of the Worlds, directly states that one of the signs of Himself is that people will find in marriage love, mercy, and tranquility.

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.”

All of the time? Of course not. Marriage is hard work! But this is the goal, the standard, and the over-arching goal of marriage.

When the marriage fails to be a place of tranquility, love, and mercy or a protection for anyone involved it's a sign that the individuals need to get help. It's not a sign that marriage itself is an outdated idea or a path to a terrible relationship.

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Marriage within Islam, as a contract and societal establishment, is there for the protection of a man and a woman and their children. The commitment is the only way a man or a woman can experience physical intimacy of any kind without transgressing the boundaries set by Allah. It’s the proper and correct path for pregnancy and child-rearing or accountability for the care and upbringing of a child.

Of course in a world where people have no fear of their Lord, marriage doesn’t seem to make sense. If sex isn’t really a sin because religion isn’t real, they argue, why get married at all? If you can use paternity tests to establish the father of a child who cares about committed marital relationships. If you can use the court system to get child support it doesn’t matter is you were married or not. If marital roles have held women back just avoid being a “wife” and just be a committed “partner” instead.

Marriage does seem unnecessary from that angle. I imagine that if the modern world continues to move further and further away from religious moral values marriage will be, once again, an example of a person’s religious beliefs. People will marry because they believe in God and not just because of health insurance benefits for married couples. Saying “I’m a wife” will be a statement that represents God-consciousness. Saying “I’m a married man” will be a statement of faith and a desire to obey God.

For a Muslim, marriage is a reflection of one’s desire to please Allah and to seek love, affection, intimacy, comfort, companionship, and start a family in the manner prescribed within Islam.

While people's moral values are all over the place right now, know that being married is following the most dignified path for love or intimacy and that our ideas of marriage are literally built on love and mercy which seek to offer the protection of one's physical, emotional, and spiritual well being.

Love and marriage have a purpose which is to enjoy a companionship in this life that supports a couple for the preparation for the next.

It’s love on purpose.

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Wives of Jannah Q& Box Video response:

Her husband has angry outbursts, is addicted to porn, and asks her to say/do things she's uncomfortable with in the bedroom. In this Wives of Jannah Q&A, Megan offers this wife a starting point: boundaries.

There is a lot of support the husband will need if he is going to change his ways but the focus of this response is to empower her to stand up for herself and hold on to herself, her self worth, and protect her own well being.

 (Not directly addressed: his pornography addiction. For this check out www.purifyyourgze.com for help for Muslims in this area.)

Have a question? wivesofjannah.com/askaquestion

Need marriage help? wivesofjannah.com/coaching

My husband and I went out for a date to see the new Lion King movie a few weeks ago. We reflected on the excellent leadership advice of Mufasa, the challenges and responsibilities of becoming a father and, ultimately, the leader of the household, and the humbleness that comes when, as adults, we finally realize *we* are the next pillar for our own kids. We'll call that our Simba moment. Finally, that the "circle of life" will continue on and we won't always be here.

We talked about many things, but here are some things I thought to share with all of you:

1) The importance of having time alone as a couple to talk. Going to an event together, a movie with meaning, or anything that gets you both thinking can allow you to hear each other's thoughts on a variety of topics. There is always more to learn about and hear from your spouse.

2) To remember and recognize that you and your husband are moving through life stages together. Each decade brings a new level of awareness, maturity, but also burden. The burden of the dunyah and making it through and the burden of caring for your family.

3) To just pause and appreciate that being a man means carrying heavy responsibilities. Especially a man who fears Allah. He recognizes his job in providing, guiding, and protecting his family and it's not an easy burden to carry. He does it with love, but appreciating his job allows you to step into his shoes too. As women we want to be seen and appreciated but we forget that our men want the same sometimes.

4) Life stages means seeing parents age or pass away. It's a major shift and a difficult process. You may not be talking about it, but you should be. Maybe you are a young couple so this stage is a little farther off. For others, you are in the midst of care taking, or grief.

5) To remember your time on earth is temporary. To have the opportunity to consider how you want to make a difference with the time you have.

6) To always "remember who you are" <-- that famous line! Maybe you aren't a real queen, but you are a Muslimah. You are a human being created by Allah made with a purpose. You are known to your Lord by name and you have an angel that records all the good you do or intend to do. Your worth is found in the essence of your soul.

I hope one of these 6 thoughts can benefit you this week!

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It should be no surprise to see a correlation between taqwa and marital satisfaction.

While righteousness alone isn’t necessarily a determining factor of a happy marriage, lack of righteousness and remembrance of Allah can often be the single greatest determining factor in the failure of a marriage.

Two religious people can get married and find they aren’t right for each other. But their divorce and separation will also be done in a way that is gentle, respectful, and considerate of each other.

But when one person in a marriage is lacking taqwa, which is best translated as having God-consciousness, then it’s no surprise to find that they mistreat their spouse or do things which dishonor their marriage.

They may pray at the masjid, teach Islamic classes, wear a huge hijab, be super involved in the community, or grow a long beard, and on some level love the Deen. But taqwa, the realization that Allah sees and knows all they do, is missing from their heart.

Actions are a reflection of our spiritual state.

And so, their actions hurt their spouse and family.

From there, due to hurt, their spouse may then begin to struggle with their own Iman.

They struggle with the tests they are privately facing, wondering why Allah is not helping their spouse change despite repeated du’a.

The trickle down effect keeps going and generations can become impacted.

Marriage is not just about a halal outlet for desires.

It’s a relationship designed to meet not just the bodily needs of human beings, but their spiritual needs and responsibilities.

Marriage, ultimately, serves a higher purpose. It’s to love ON purpose.

One of the aspects often missing from marital discord dialogue in our modern world is that of taqwa.

While using the medical route people are diagnosed with this category and that category to explain their behavior and its causes, from childhood trauma to lack of role modeling for marriage, etc.

These are legitimate and necessary dialogues.

But without also addressing the spiritual state of a person, we may not be offering a complete picture to those we are helping and not offering a complete cure or support system.

This post is not suggesting that mental health issues are about a “lack of Iman” issue.

It’s addressing the real fact that all human behavior can be categorized and explained but that the category of Iman and taqwa deserves to be explored and focused on as well IN the dialogue of helping a couple.

The greatest human beings in our history suffered from every imaginable trauma and pain. All of them. No exceptions.

They also experienced a full range of human emotion as expected. They were never shamed for their feelings.

But they were also raised up around The Prophet (saw) to see the bigger picture. To fear Allah, to have hearts that longed to not disobey him, and to right their wrongs as quickly as they could.

Marital rights were laid down and were the bare necessities for a marriage to begin or be sustained.

No matter how much you are struggling, as a believer, you can’t justify your wrong actions or violate the rights of your spouse with excuses.

You can understand why they are happening, and what has brought you to the point you are at. All of that is part of a healing journey.

But you can’t justify and make it ok and use categories and labels and the past as an *excuse*.

Taqwa is above everything because the law of Allah is above everything.

I feel the need to write this because after a decade of being in a counseling position I’ve heard too often people trying to justify their poor treatment of their spouses.

From men and women.

I’ve heard of others trying to convince people to stay in horrible marriages because “he/she can’t help themselves.”

Islam protects a persons heart, not rejects it.

You can understand WHY someone does what they do, but it doesn’t become an allowance for them to do it.

It may grant patience to the hurting spouse, but it’s their option to to be patient if they can manage. It’s not a demand anyone can make on them.

And when a person is reminded to fear Allah, and their heart is sincere, it shows.

They will be the person struggling to change themselves.

They will sign up for classes, counseling, coaching, and work hard. They will be committed and consistent. Not once or twice, but until they have changed and their spouse agrees things are so much better.

They will apologize and mend and take full responsibility for their behaviors.

Yes, they will start to heal when they know why they became the person they became.

But they won’t allow that to be their excuse.

But if their Iman is low.... then their taqwa is low. And if their taqwa is low one of the things that changed generations before us will be missing.

What empowers us is our hope in Allah but also our fear of Him.

Or perhaps beyond that, ultimate shyness of ever disobeying our majestic merciful and loving Lord.

When we forget Him, we are all capable of committing terrible actions.

So lack of taqwa and marital satisfaction often do go hand in hand.

Points to consider:

1) Make your Iman a priority in your own life.

2) Do what you can to keep you and your spouse and family around righteous people. Taqwa is a form or protection for your marriage.

3) If your spouse has been hurtful it can be helpful to see them as a struggling soul with low Iman. It allows you to recognize that there is a root issue and it’s NOT you.

4) Do get help when it’s needed. Marriage is tough at times but it shouldn’t be miserable. I offer private online coaching. Or you can find other counselors or therapists. Yes to resources and learning and growing.

5) Don’t tolerate being hurt. See #4. Whether your spouse wants support or not doesn’t matter. Get it for yourself first.

6) Rekindle your own intention that marriage is a part of your worship and remembrance of Allah.

7) Make dua for Allah to protect your hearts and keep you both guided on the straight path or return you to it. One can always turn back and change. Always.

8 ) Filter our junk. Be mindful of what you watch and listen to.

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What Marriage Teaches Husbands About the Feminine
by Megan Wyatt

One of the beautiful opportunities of marriage is that a husband can learn from his wife.

A husband learns the beauty of the feminine. How the feminine speaks, both in words and in unspoken ways. How she desires, what fulfills her, and what leads her to feel safe and protected.

A husband learns that his ways don't work in all situations and so some of his rough edges are softened by the presence of the feminine in his life.

A man may be a warrior outside the home, but in the home, his strength is best reflected in his patience, gentleness, restraint, and support.

He learns her moods by the tone of her voice, the way she walks, and whether she looks into his eyes or looks away when she speaks.

He learns what makes her giggle, what makes her feel beautiful, and what calms her when she is upset.

But the man who doesn't respect the feminine will crush her spirit. He will find her frustrating, irritating, annoying, and impatient.

Allah created men and women differently and many men have yet to realize just how different the feminine truly is compared to himself.

If you feel like your husband doesn't "get you" it's likely he doesn't. He doesn't understand your nature and so you'll also need the patience to teach him, invite him, shape him, and allow him to experience who you really are.

Many men are highly successful in their careers but fail miserably to understand the woman in their life whom they call their wife.

Perhaps they had no teacher. They didn't have a living role model. They didn't have someone *show* them the way.

Yet, if they would but open the pages of the Seerah and read about how our beloved Prophet Muhammad (saw) treated his wives they would find the best guide there is.

They would hear him saying "the best of you are the best to your family and I am the best to mine" and ponder if they are truly the best to their family.

This statement wasn't conditional that a man married a perfect woman (because there is no such thing) rather it was a statement that invited men to rise to the challenge of becoming honorable leaders in their families and community.

To complete half of his Deen a man must marry. A man needs a wife in order to test his own character. A wife to show him who he is, how far his character has grown and how much further he has to go.

A wife who will show him the meaning of vulnerability and intimacy unlike any other relationship he will have with anyone else.

A wife who will help him understand that true spirituality is measured by how safe, respected, and honored she feels in his presence.

If he has failed in these three areas, no matter what face he gives the public, he is missing the point of his marriage, and the point of the Islamic knowledge he has gained so far.

You, and love, will be one of his teachers that shows him more about himself than any other human being.

You are his mirror.

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Note: This post is not in reference to women who are in any kind of emotionally or physically abusive relationships.You may be his mirror in such a marriage, but he will deny the image you reflect back. If you feel you are being abused in any way, please reach out for profession help.

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