How To Stop Feeling Guilty
by Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah

"Instead of focusing on guilt, which ultimately is about you, focus on gratitude which is about giving to others. When your husband does something nice or considerate don't feel guilty. Feel grateful! Change your habit from thinking of you-you-you to reflecting appreciation for that man who is supporting you in your life." 

Instead of focusing on guilt, which ultimately is about you, focus on gratitude which is about giving beyond yourself.

When your husband does something nice or considerate don't feel guilty. Feel grateful!

Change your habit from thinking of you-you-you to reflecting appreciation for that man who is supporting you in your life.

What's so interesting about "feeling guilty" all the time is that ultimately it's a selfish feeling and trains you to only see yourself in the situation.

It removes the space where you can express gratitude for doing what's important to you or being offered the help and support you should receive from a partner. 

Without gratitude, your husband can't win. He can't do something for you and see you happy. 

Because no matter what he does, no matter how sweet, supportive, romantic, or sacrificial it won't register because instead of gracefully receiving like a queen you're "feeling guilty" like a a peasant not worth being given to.

Girl, chin up! 

Let your man honor your needs and wants. 

He might not be able to honor all of them at the same time but when he does say THANK YOU! 

Offer him the recognition that he is, in fact, a decent and loving man.

"With gratitude, you can change the habit of guilt into one of truly receiving in your life while also giving to the man you love something he deeply desires: appreciation and recognition. "

Feeling guilty, at its root, says you don't believe you're worth it. 

You don't believe you deserve to be given to and treated well.

You don't deserve to be imperfect, have limits, or have desires.

It's rooted in how you see yourself. You'll go to the ends of the earth for someone else but no one else is allowed to do the same for you. 

Let's change that. 

You are a full human being like any one else on the planet, male or female.

With gratitude, you can change the habit of guilt into one of truly receiving in your life while also giving to the man you love something he deeply desires: appreciation and recognition. 

Never Debase Yourself
by Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah

Islam never asks a woman to debase herself in order to earn the pleasure of Allah.

Which means you should never debase yourself in order to seek the pleasure of your husband.

Islam elevates the status of women. Always.

Obedience to your husband is about supporting his leadership and the responsibility he has in front of his Lord to guide and care for his family.

It's a huge, huge responsibility. One he will be questioned about.

It's about letting him take care of you and protect you.

If you don't feel like you'd want to obey your husband, generally speaking, then there is a bigger issue at hand.

It means that his choices aren't about honoring and elevating you.

Part of being a wife who is seeking Jannah is to also remember your worth as a human being and to never let any other human being take that away from you.

The path to Jannah is not paved by debasing ourselves or throwing our values, dignity, and self-worth out the window.

This is not the goal and has never been the goal of marriage in Islam.

If you want to fight for your marriage then do it but not by hollowing yourself out and becoming a woman with no voice and no values.

A man isn't always right by virtue of being male.

He isn't always on the right path just because he's male.

He can oppress others. He can harm others. He can do wrong. He can commit a sin.

And when he does he needs someone else to be his mirror and give him the chance to recognize his mistakes so he can correct them.

Abu Huraira said, “The believer is a mirror to his brother. If he sees something wrong in him, he should correct it.”  (1)

Women, many women, need to hear this and be reminded of this.

God does not favor men in Islam.

He does not "make men right" just because they are men.

Which means that as a noble women your voice is as important, has virtuous, and as needed as his voice.

Let us not confuse a leadership model that seeks to provide support and protection with gender superiority.

You, as a woman, always have a right to be heard, seen, and your needs recognized and valued.

While I deeply value my work in strengthening marriages, I also deeply value the human beings involved and want them to be in a marriage that is emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy.

The goal of a marriage isn't to be legally halal people living under one roof.The goal of marriage is to build a life of submission to Allah together and to raise a family who worships and remembers Him.

The goal of marriage is to offer love, companionship, intimacy, and support to one and other.

"And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect." (30:21)

So yes, fight for your marriage but understand what you must fight for in order to end up with a relationship that nourishes your life vs. one that destroys it. 

May Allah reward you every step of the way and support you in finding solutions that support you and your marriage. 

The Golden Rule in Marriage
by Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah

There is a beautiful hadith which many of us are familiar with but we rarely think about within the context of marriage.

Anas narrated that the Prophet (saw) said:"None of you believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself." (1)

This hadith is version of the golden rule where we treat others as we’d like to be treated. Yet, it’s much more powerful than that because this hadith equates our faith, our level of iman, with how much we want someone around us to have the same things we love.

Your spouse has an ever greater status in your life than “your brother” or “your sister” in Islam because of the level of closeness and the importance of the relationship. 
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​Yet one of the most common relationship patterns I coach people to move beyond is the pattern of withholding love and kind actions towards their spouse because they want to get, first, what it is they could potentially give.

If you see yourself as a really giving and kind person to others but not as much with your husband it’s time to rethink your relationship strategy. He isn’t perfect. He never will be perfect and he is going to do things that annoy you and upset you from time to time.If you live with anyone day in and day out, year after year, I promise you they will also annoy you and upset you.

The fact that things aren’t perfect isn’t a reason for you not to show up as your best self and give the best you can give, for the sake of Allah, in your relationship.

Don’t hold back on goodness. Don’t hold back on love. Don’t hold back on loving actions. 
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​Be the person you want to be in front of Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala because it’s the person you are. The person you are, and will become, isn’t defined by what your husband does or doesn’t do. It’s defined by who you decide to be.
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​Do your best to be a mirror of the person you want your husband to be for you.

In other words, want for him what you truly want for yourself.

 “I’m always nice but he doesn’t pay enough attention to me.”
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​You might be thinking this as you read this post. I hear you. I hear you loud and clear and I understand that a good marriage needs two people both making the same effort to treat each other well and take care of each others needs. I absolutely hear you.

One of the things I help women do in my coaching program is help them develop the voice, words, and opportunity to express what they need more of in their marriages. If this is you, and you feel upset reading this then there is a good chance you aren’t feeling fulfilled in your relationship right now. That most definitely needs some to be changed.

I want you to feel loved, supported, and cherished in your relationship. If that’s not how things are, yet, then consider what steps you could take to help things change. If what you’ve been doing isn’t working for you, it’s time for a new approach. *

But do consider the fact that when you do something for your husband, while loving him for the sake of Allah, you are also nurturing your iman.

You are being encouraged to be selfless and giving in a way that’s consistent with what you hope he would be for you.

Selflessness doesn’t mean, just to clarify, doing something that is harmful for you.

It means to see the person and opportunity in front of you to give love to the person you love for no other reason than love itself and seeking the love of Allah. 

Yes, it’s a high standard. Islam sets high standards for all of us to aim for. The bar is high but the bar brings about rewards in this life and in the Hereafter.

Here is a simple and sweet example which I found in the hadith which reflects wanting for spouse what you want for yourself.

Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah: A woman said to the Prophet (ﷺ): Invoke blessing on me as well as on my husband. The Prophet (ﷺ) said: May Allah send blessing on you and your husband. (2)

As you go through your day and week think about small but loving actions you can bring into your marriage and do them knowing that every single kind action is being done for the sake of Allah and seeking to perfect your own character and iman.

“And those who believe and do good will be the residents of Paradise. They will be there forever.” (Qur’an: 2:82)

* Note: This post is for wives in safe relationships free of emotional or physical abuse. If you feel you are being mistreated at this level, please seek professional​ help.

Du'a + Action
by Megan Wyatt,
Founder of Wives of Jannah

Many of my coaching clients share with me how hard they are making du’a for something they need in their life. Specifically, changes they are hoping for in their marriage. Turning to Allah is the best and first place to turn because everything we need and want is given to us by Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala.

I’m always inspired by the level of iman and commitment many of the people I interact with have. It’s amazing how many of the servants of God are up before Fajr praying tahajjud. (May Allah make us of those who pray to Him at this time!)

With du’a, we have to also talk about taking action.

Consider the following ayah:
“Whatever of good reaches you, is from Allah, but whatever of evil befalls you, is from yourself…” [Surah al-Nisa’ 4:79]

When it comes to your relationship, it’s important to understand that both you and your husband are making conscious choices every single day about how you want to show up in your marriage.

What you say is a choice.

What you do is a choice.

How you both are treating one and other is, ultimately, a choice.

When you are upset it’s easy to blame your husband for how you reacted to something he said or did but, as a Muslim, you are also responsible in front of Allah for your choices. Same for him.

This idea of having to choose is extremely important to remember.

If you want your relationship to improve, after seeking the help and guidance of Allah, sit down and consider what specific actions you could take to improve how you are treating your husband.

Focus, first and foremost, on yourself and how you influence your marriage. Hold yourself to account for your words and actions and see what happens when you start to hold your tongue when you’re angry, apologize first, smile and make an effort to be more cheerful, and plan meaningful activities together.

The social media world has, unfortunately, led many women to believe that they owe their husbands nothing. That everything is his fault. That his imperfections have to be dealt with first.

Most advice for women is always followed up with, “How come you aren’t telling this to men! Why is it always a woman’s job to improve the marriage?”

The husband, being the leader of the family, actually carries the heaviest burden in this area. His spiritual practice and character is measured by how well he treats his wife.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The most complete of believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are the best in behavior to their women.” (Tirmidhi)

But this doesn’t excuse us women from taking charge of ourselves and doing everything we can to improve the very relationship we have chosen to be in.

I always say, yes, it takes two people to make a marriage work but it only takes one person to start inspiring those changes.

Why not strive to be that person? Why not strive to earn the pleasure of Allah by being better to your husband? As a Muslim woman, you cannot ignore the fact that you are responsible for your own soul and what you say and do. Your marriage is one huge opportunity to improve your own character and do more to seek the pleasure of Allah.

As someone who has spent more than a decade now coaching women in their relationships I can attest to the fact that, unless there is emotional and physical abuse present, she is also responsible for the state of the marriage. (With abuse, this advice changes.) *

Both people create patterns together.

Both people have a chemistry they are are creating based on how they react and response to each other.

When you change yourself, you change that reaction. You start to change that pattern.

You have more influence in your marriage than you probably realize! You also have more opportunities to focus on the purification of your heart.

Allah says in The Qur’an; “He has succeeded who purifies the soul, and he has failed who corrupts the soul” (Qur’an: 91:9-10)

Du’a + Action = CHANGE

Combine du’a with the actions you are planning to take and you will, insha’Allah, see positive changes.

Change comes slowly and requires some consistency. For most people they need an average of 3-6 months to see a relationship pattern completely shift to where there is better communication, connection, and understanding of each other.

So, have a little patience and full trust in Allah and remember that every action you take for the sake of Allah is written for you as a reward you are earning, insha’Allah!

If you aren’t sure what to do next for change, then consider reaching out for some support, taking an online program, or starting with a simple ebook.

May Allah allow us to be honest about our own shortcomings, hold ourselves to account before we are held to account, and to honor our marriages, spouses, and strive to become better servants of the Most Merciful.

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https://wivesofjannah.com


*This article is intended for women in safe marriages. When there is emotional abuse or physical abuse taking place in a marriage the advice changes. A woman needs to seek safety and outside intervention when any abuse is taking place. In this case, no matter how hard she tries to be better an abusive individual will take advantage of her. Learn about cycles of abuse here.

“Marriage is an outdated construct."

Thoughts along those lines are the trend these days. People feel like marriage itself kills love, kills passion, kills joy, kills happiness and leads people to follow "archaic roles" that harm their ability to experience love.

Honestly speaking, some of these people might be right because previous marriage ideas in certain cultures and societies were pretty awful.

But Islam? The Holy Qur'an itself, revelation from the Lord of the Worlds, directly states that one of the signs of Himself is that people will find in marriage love, mercy, and tranquility.

“And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are Signs for those who reflect.”

All of the time? Of course not. Marriage is hard work! But this is the goal, the standard, and the over-arching goal of marriage.

When the marriage fails to be a place of tranquility, love, and mercy or a protection for anyone involved it's a sign that the individuals need to get help. It's not a sign that marriage itself is an outdated idea or a path to a terrible relationship.

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Marriage within Islam, as a contract and societal establishment, is there for the protection of a man and a woman and their children. The commitment is the only way a man or a woman can experience physical intimacy of any kind without transgressing the boundaries set by Allah. It’s the proper and correct path for pregnancy and child-rearing or accountability for the care and upbringing of a child.

Of course in a world where people have no fear of their Lord, marriage doesn’t seem to make sense. If sex isn’t really a sin because religion isn’t real, they argue, why get married at all? If you can use paternity tests to establish the father of a child who cares about committed marital relationships. If you can use the court system to get child support it doesn’t matter is you were married or not. If marital roles have held women back just avoid being a “wife” and just be a committed “partner” instead.

Marriage does seem unnecessary from that angle. I imagine that if the modern world continues to move further and further away from religious moral values marriage will be, once again, an example of a person’s religious beliefs. People will marry because they believe in God and not just because of health insurance benefits for married couples. Saying “I’m a wife” will be a statement that represents God-consciousness. Saying “I’m a married man” will be a statement of faith and a desire to obey God.

For a Muslim, marriage is a reflection of one’s desire to please Allah and to seek love, affection, intimacy, comfort, companionship, and start a family in the manner prescribed within Islam.

While people's moral values are all over the place right now, know that being married is following the most dignified path for love or intimacy and that our ideas of marriage are literally built on love and mercy which seek to offer the protection of one's physical, emotional, and spiritual well being.

Love and marriage have a purpose which is to enjoy a companionship in this life that supports a couple for the preparation for the next.

It’s love on purpose.

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Learn more about Wives of Jannah: wivesofjannah.com