communication Archives - Wives Of Jannah

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What You Want vs. What He Hears

Maybe you feel like you've complained to your husband until you're blue in the face asking for something specific to happen. It's crystal clear to you that what you want is obvious.

First, I want to tell you that you aren't alone.

You can probably google your issue and find thousands of other wives with the same issue.
(see images below using some of these phrases)

"Husband doesn't show me any attention after work"
"I don't feel appreciated by my husband."
"I feel like my husband doesn't help enough with household chores"
"My Muslim husband doesn't plan anything special for me"

I share this often with my coaching clients to offer them assurance that while things are difficult, they aren't the first and insha'Allah things can improve in time with better tools and techniques.

So what options do you have?

What's Within Your Control

1) Focus on Being Specific About Actions You Want

"I don't want to tell him what to do! He's a man, he should be able to figure it out!"

I hear this often from my coaching clients (specifically the wives) and I understand the sentiment behind it. You want to be taken care of, to feel loved, and to see your husband do the mental work to determine how to make you happy.

How many years have you been saying this though? If it's not working out for you, and you're just increasing in feelings of resentment, it's time for a different plan.

When you tell your husband what you need in terms of the action you are looking for his brain can grasp what meeting your need actually looks like. Otherwise, he might do his own guess work, and still fail because he didn't do the right action you wanted.

Let's practice asking for an action that's specific.

"I want you to help more around the house!" --> "I'd like you to do the night routine with the kids while I load the dishwasher and finish the kitchen in peace."

"I want you to be more available for us as a family." --> "I'd like a set time each day and weekend to look forward to as family time where you are fully available to connect with."

"I'm tired of how often you cave into your mother's requests for us to come over. We never go out as a couple!" --> "I miss you. I want you to see your mother and I also need time alone with you to build our romantic connection. How can we schedule a block of time for just us each week?"

2) Understand What He Hears

When a wife is trying her best to share her hurt, disappointment, and needs, she may miss that how she is expressing herself isn't allowing him to actually know what the solution is.

What you think you're sharing are requests but what he is probably hearing is vague ideas wrapped up in criticism. The more grounded he is as a man the better he can take the hit and still respond with love.

But a lot of men don't know how to listen without getting defensive when they are feeling attacked. Rather than being upset about that, work with it.

What they hear...

"You never spend time with me..." (you're awful)
"I'm always the one to do everything around here..." (you're worthless)
"I never get to do something just for myself..." (you're selfish)
"You go out with your friends and I'm always stuck with the kids.."(you're a jerk)
"When's the last time you said something nice about me?" (you're heartless)
"You never respect my feelings when I express myself." (you're a jerk)

HANG ON!!!!!

I know a lot of women would jump in right here and say "Megan, if my husband said these things to me I'd take it seriously and change! I would ask more questions and seek to understand him. I'm the one always taking seriously his needs but he doesn't do the same for me.

Maybe.

Or maybe some of you would be just as defensive if things were turned around.

Let's try a few....

"You never keep the house consistently organized and clean."
"I'm the only one who has to worry about our budget and earning money."
"I never get time to myself after working all day."
"I don't have a single hobby for myself - I'm always trying to do stuff for the family."
"You rarely make me feel desired as a man or initiate intimacy."
"You never respect my feelings when I express myself."

I don't know about you but I think I'd feel pretty defensive with statements like this. The first thing your brain would do is try to prove how and when these statements haven't been true.

And that is the beginning of a fight going nowhere...

If you pay attention you can now see there aren't any actionable requests.

When you work with specific requests a much better conversation can be had because of the following:

1) the exact action you imagine would be a solution is on the table
2) discussing alternative actions can be discussed until a win-win is found
3) there is no mind reading expected to magically figure out what to do
4) you are accepting with maturity that if your husband knew what intuitive action he should be doing - he would have done it. (and viceversa)
5) you are inviting teamwork vs. staying angry & alone while not speaking up.

Recommended Program
"How to Fight Less & Love More"
Learn More

Sexual Intimacy: Is There Ever a Good Time?

Sexual Intimacy: Is There Ever a Good Time?
by Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah

Sexual intimacy is an area of marriage that can cause a lot of tension for a couple despite the fact it's supposed to be an area that brings about closeness, pleasure, and connection for both the husband and the wife.

So why are things often so complicated?

First of all, it's important to recognize that sexual intimacy is likely the closest physical and emotional connection you can or will experience with your husband. It's not "just sex" but rather an experience that impacts you beyond the biological functioning of your body.

In short, it's personal. It's not just a physical exercise but one that carries meaning and value. Anything that personal is bound to be difficult to navigate through at times. This is your body, your heart, and your whole being we're talking about. (And this is exactly how most of my female clients discuss sex!)

When something is meaningful you don't just "do it" because you want to feel that the experience carries an emotional meaning for you and your husband.

But what happens when the list for a meaningful experience becomes too tall?

What happens when there are so many barriers to being intimate? Here are some of the most common examples from the women I hear from:

I am so exhausted from the baby keeping me up all night...
I spent all day walking in circles cleaning up after the kids...
Work was really stressful today with endless meetings and a new tight deadline to meet...
I'm really upset because of something I'm going through with my sister...
We have a to go to my in-laws house for lunch on Saturday, and then cousin's wedding on Sunday, and in between that get a new fridge...
My husband hasn't spent enough quality time with me alone for me to want sex...
I'm completely tired of being in the house with the whole family because of the pandemic...
I am just so tired and want a break to do nothing...I don't want sex...
I am PMSing right now and I don't feel in the mood to be intimate...
I am on my period right now, so I'm not available of course but my husband wants me to touch him at least...
I've gained weight recently and I don't want my husband to see me right now...
I'm not secure about my body right now and so I'm avoiding being intimate...
I feel like he needs to help around the house more first before I have sex more often for him...

With so many things happening in life my question to you is this: when is a good time for sex?

And I'm serious. When is a good time?

Not a perfect time. Not the most ideal time. Not the most romantic time. But a good time? A decent time? A time where it's possible for you to make it happen?

I am absolutely in full support of women feeling loved, supported, and cherished in their relationships. A marriage isn't supposed to be one-sided where you just sacrifice away all of your well being for your husband.

At the same time it seems many women have lost connection with how important it is for them to make time for intimacy.

I say this to women because quite often they are the ones that set the schedule for availability.

Your husband can ask to be intimate, but if you aren't in agreement he has to wait. There may be times when this is necessary but my work has also shown me that many women are waiting for the perfect time to say yes to intimacy and that perfect time isn't coming.

As a result, the relationship is severely struggling.

Here are some tips that have helped other women who found themselves pushing away intimacy:

1) Schedule time even if you're a bit tired.

Trust me for a second before you roll your eyes! You might be tired for the next five years (multiple pregnancies, babies, nursing, kids in tow...I get it, I have four kids of my own) but you can't go five years without having sex for yourself let alone for your husband! You deserve to relax and enjoy the physical and emotional connection that sexual intimacy can provide you.

But let's face it: you aren't always going to feel like it. Tired or not your husband still desires you and likes you just the way you are! So, schedule time anyways and there is a good chance you will enjoy yourself too, feel closer to your husband, and feel more at ease in your marriage.

I'm not saying harm yourself. I'm asking you to accept that the most ideal time might not arrive for awhile so adjust to your "new norm." Less than perfect sex can do a lot for a marriage vs. waiting for the perfect time, perfect energy, perfect connection, and a perfect sexual experience can be really harmful in the long run.

2) Make sure he understands your body.

If sex isn't satisfying for you it's time to have a talk with your husband and let him know. If you aren't even sure yourself how to reach satisfaction it's time to do some research and reading. (Put on a strict filter on Google to avoid inappropriate websites from coming up!)

Many women have told me they don't like sex because there isn't anything in it for them. It's a woman's Islamic right to experience sexual satisfaction in her marriage so make sure you both are on the same page about your body. Need some insight into your body? Check out this podcast by The Village Aunty.

But don't continue settling for a sex life that isn't satisfying and meaningful for you or just pushing intimacy away.

3) Don't make sex only a night time thing.

If being with your husband late at night works for your marriage by all means keep it up. Many women I've worked with, however, have confessed that by the time Isha salah rolls around they are barely keeping their eyes open. All they want to do is sleep.

But who said sex has to be a night time thing? Many couples have experienced a better sex life by focusing on the early morning hours after they've had some sleep. This allows the couple to have more energy and attention for each other rather than fighting off exhaustion all the time.

If you don't have little kids that have to be watched constantly, consider late afternoons or before dinnertime when you are both still more energetic. These are the times you might say yes to the TV, computer games, or whatever will keep the kids in one spot occupied. Ideal? Maybe not. But as I said before, you have to find your "new norm" and adjust your life accordingly.

If the kids will be alright for a bit make space for the two of you to quietly connect in your room. Creativity is a must if you've got kids around or extended family.

4) Openly communicate your own needs.

Many women put off sex because they feel their emotional needs aren't being met in their marriage. Instead of using sex as a control mechanism, I invite a wife to use sex as a channel to advocate for her needs.

Instead of thinking about sex as something only for her husband I invite her to consider what it might look like if it was about her? What would she ask for? What would the experience be like? What would she change about the whole process? In other words, why does it continue to be about his needs alone? Where is she in the conversation?

The overall goal is to help her communicate her needs, whether emotional or physical, in a manner where she feels heard and her husband is able to respond to her needs.

Changing how she views sex as only "for her husband" is just one exercise I use to teach women how to find their voice and express their needs.

Naturally, the conversation needs to extend beyond this. If you are avoiding sex because, emotionally, you don't feel loved and supported in your marriage then please reach out for support. I want to see you emotionally fulfilled and supported insha'Allah.

5) If he likes your body then relax!

I don't know of a single woman on the planet who is completely satisfied with her body! We are such harsh critics of ourselves. But men aren't like us. They don't look in the mirror and always think about what they need to change about their bodies.

And they don't look at you and constantly think of what you should tweak and change either.

Sure, your husband will notice when you gain weight and lose weight, when you've got stretch marks or scars, some cellulite or imperfect abs, or whatever else it is you might be worried about.

He might notice but then he'll also notice everything else about you that he loves.

If your husband desires you, it's because he isn't seeing your flaws. It means he sees a whole beautiful woman in front of him that he loves. Imperfections and all you are still sexy, attractive, and sensual. Embrace that woman! 🙂

Stop getting in your own way! You aren't saving him from hiding and you aren't protecting yourself either. You're just cutting you both off from a loving experience which would bring you both closer. Don't objectify your own self. You're a whole person and sex is an experience with all of you. Say yes and stop hiding.

*****
The reward of charity.

Sexual intimacy is an important part of your marriage and a natural human desire.

Since it's at the heart of a marriage it's important to make space and time for it even in less than ideal circumstances. That might even mean saying no to some family commitments or coming later just so you have time to connect first as a couple.

Remember, this is your marriage. It has to be nurtured and cared for by you and your husband. in the long run, the small sacrifices for each other's pleasure, connection, and time will be worth it.

To leave you with a final motivation is to remember that when you are intimate with your husband you can receive the same reward as if you gave charity.

"It was narrated from Abu Dharr that some people from among the companions of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): “O Messenger of Allaah, the rich people will get more reward. They pray as we pray, and they fast as we fast, but they give in charity from their excess wealth.” He said, “Has not Allaah given you things with which you can give charity? Every tasbeehah (saying ‘Subhaan Allaah (Glory be to Allaah)’) is a charity. Every Takbeerah (saying ‘Allaahu akbar (Allaah is Most Great)’) is a charity. Every Tahmeedah (saying ‘al-hamdu-Lillaah (praise be to Allaah)’ is a charity. Every Tahleelah (saying ‘Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah (there is no god but Allaah)’) is a charity. Enjoining what is good is a charity. Forbidding what is evil is a charity. Having intercourse (with one’s wife) is a charity.” They said, “O Messenger of Allaah, if one of us fulfils his desire, is there reward in that?” He said, “Do you not see that if he does it in a haraam way he will have the burden of sin? So if he does it in a halaal way, he will have a reward for that.” (Narrated by Muslim, 1674)
*****

Disclaimer:
Please note: this article is intended only for women who are in emotionally and physically safe relationships. If you feel in any way you are being abused applying the advice in this article would be causing you even more harm. If you aren't sure, learn more here. Please, seek professional support for a local therapist in your area if you're experiencing abuse of any kind. There is help and there is hope.

Learn more about the Passionate and Deeply Connected Online course available now in the Wives of Jannah Digital Library.

Why Knowing Yourself In Marriage Is Critical

Why Knowing Yourself In Marriage Is Critical
by Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah

A good friend reminded me as of late that I have spent years on my own personal development and that it has paid off with immense self awareness, Alhamdulilah. I am vulnerable, willing to hold tough conversations, and very in touch with how I think and feel.

She reminded me because once you get used to being so incredibly touch with what's going on inside of you it's easy to forget that not everyone else in your personal life is on the same when having an important conversation with someone you care about.

"Not everyone has done the same amount of personal work you have. Not everyone is ready to look within themselves that deeply," she said.

As someone who has committed to over a decade of seeking to know myself, healing from the past, sorting my own baggage, and taken responsibility for my own shortcomings, wrong turns, and sins (an on-going journey of course) I don't want to imagine my life had I not taken this route.

I shudder to think of how I would respond to tests I've been presented with over the past several years, alone, had I not been equipped with immense self-awareness and also self-acceptance.

People often misunderstand the work of "personal development" and think it's about having an obsession with one's self. On the contrary, the focal point is on becoming a better human being and in order to do that you have to increase your level of self-awareness about how you are currently living in your life.

As a wife, for example, you might consider the following questions:

Am I showing up as the wife I imagined I would be?
Are my expectations of myself fair? What are they based on?
How am I responsible for the state of my marriage currently?
What do I really long for in my relationship that I haven't expressed?
How am I handling myself when I'm upset?
What are the hot buttons that trigger a bad reaction from within me?
Am I afraid of being vulnerable in my relationship?
If I did one new thing this month to be a more loving wife what would it be?
What's upsetting me in my life and the effects of that are creeping into my marriage?

The focus is on yourself but the results of that focus, or lack thereof, impact other people.

"Whatever is going on inside of us will, in one way or another, impact the people closest to us and that includes that dark sides of ourselves."

We are not islands as individuals. Whatever is going on inside of us will, in one way or another, impact the people closest to us and that includes that dark sides of ourselves.

The question is are you willing to shine some light into your own darkness?

Are you willing to own your stuff, sort your baggage, recognize when you're triggered by something much, much bigger than what is presenting in the moment?

One of the things I love the most about the personal development movement as a whole is that it doesn't say "Wait until you are in so much pain that you can't take it anymore and then finally reach out for help!"

It says "Harness today to take the next step in becoming a better person because your quality of life is dependent on who you are and how you show up in your life and relationships. You deserve a quality and meaningful life like anyone else. It's yours for the building."

A quality and meaningful life doesn't mean a perfect life without troubles. (Anyone trying to sell you perfection should be avoided at all costs.)

But it means that old wounds, old patterns, and old habits which all lead you back into darkness no longer run your life. Instead, you are focusing forward towards the life you want to build.

Your marriage is such a significant part of your life. Does it not deserve that you invest yourself fully into being your best self?

The quality of any relationship will be measured by how the two people involved show up.

Look at the difference in these examples regarding a husband and a wife. This scenario is a really common one for many of my coaching clients, however, it goes both ways.

Example #1
He is insecure, but doesn't admit it to himself, so he tries to control his wife and where she goes, who she talks to, and how she talks using religion as his cover. She is afraid of not being enough so, despite how much it hurts, she lets herself be controlled. At least she is loved enough to be controlled. She is afraid of Allah being upset wit her also and isn't sure her worth in front of her Lord.

Example #2
He is insecure about himself and notices that he feels jealous when his wife interacts with a man in any way. He knows it's wrong but he feels extremely jealous. So he ends up controlling his wife and where she goes, who she talks to, and how she talks and resorts to using religious arguments to hide his true feelings. He feels bad when she cries but doesn't tell her. She knows he is being overbearing and out of line but feels afraid to take a firm stand against him. What if he pulls away from her and deprives her of his love? She is aware he is using religion the wrong way but isn't sure how to respond back to his arguments. She is pretending to be fine when she's actually hurting a lot.

Example #3
He is insecure about himself and notices that he feels jealous when his wife interacts with a man in any way. He makes istighfaar, takes a deep breath, and reminds himself that he is worthy of her love. He reminds himself to treat her well and focus on what is within his control which is his behavior as a man. She notices a bit later he is tense and asks "What's wrong." He says, "Triggered. Sorry, give me a few minutes to calm down." "I'm sorry you feel that way, " says says and holds his hand in silence giving him space as she now understands what's wrong. He silently asks Allah for strength and she silently asks Allah to let her be a source of comfort for him.

Example #2 shows a slight progression in terms of self-awareness but no ability to change the outcome. Most people I work with in coaching are in stage #1 or in stage #2. My job is to help them grow into stage #3.

In Example #3 you see ownership over a problem. You see two people who have made space for some personal baggage. He owns his weakness and controls how he treats his wife.

She knows she is worthy of being treated with respect and doesn't try to explain away her behavior as she knows she didn't do anything wrong.

They both hold on to each other until the moment passes and what was once a problem between them is now a means of coming closer together.

Whether a couple lives at level 1, 2, or 3 will be entirely up to them.

The more you know yourself the faster you can live at level 3.

You will never be fully healed, fully resolved, and fully over every wound in your life.

But you can be fully aware, take full ownership of how you manage yourself, and be a better person in all your relationships.

Step by step.

Just begin.

****
Looking for an online program to strengthen your marriage and learn more about yourself?
Check out the Wives of Jannah Digital Library and find the program right for you.

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How To Stop Feeling Guilty

How To Stop Feeling Guilty
by Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah

The big G word comes up a lot in my coaching sessions with Muslim wives. That word is GUILT.

Women struggle with feeling guilty. A lot.

I would say it's one of the most powerful invisible forces that hold women back from living their best life.

What do women feel guilt about? Almost anything! But here some of the examples I've heard just within the last several months alone from Muslim wives in my coaching program.

Women feel guilty for.....
...wanting time away from their kids to be alone.
...wanting to sit down, relax, and do nothing.
...asking their husband to put the baby down for a nap so she can clean the house.
...asking for more money to purchase something she really needs or wants.
...not using their formal education and "just being a mom."
...wanting to spend more time with their husband when he's tired.
...wanting their husband to take a parenting course so they are on the same page.
...not having dinner done on time to serve the family or the inlaws as guests.
...not having the house clean all the time!
...not being in better shape.
...not doing everything herself and making whatever she is doing Pinterest worthy!

What's so interesting about guilt is that, generally speaking, men don't feel it as often or as intensely as women do. There are numerous studies that have been conducted trying to understand why so many women describe feeling guilt about so many areas of their life.

When is the last time you heard a man say he felt guilty for taking the car to get the oil changed?

When is the last time you heard a man say he felt guilty because the house wasn't perfect?

When is the last time you heard a man say he felt guilty for sitting down and relaxing after work?

Unless his wife has told him his actions upset her the chances are he feels just....fine.

And many men I work with feel fine. In fact, they feel fine until their wife tells them that she isn't happy with his choices at home.

So maybe us females are hardwired or culturally nurtured to feel guilty. I can't claim to have the facts on that one.

But here is what I do know will help you stop feeling guilty especially around your husband.

"Instead of focusing on guilt, which ultimately is about you, focus on gratitude which is about giving to others. When your husband does something nice or considerate don't feel guilty. Feel grateful! Change your habit from thinking of you-you-you to reflecting appreciation for that man who is supporting you in your life."

Instead of focusing on guilt, which ultimately is about you, focus on gratitude which is about giving beyond yourself.

When your husband does something nice or considerate don't feel guilty. Feel grateful!

Change your habit from thinking of you-you-you to reflecting appreciation for that man who is supporting you in your life.

What's so interesting about "feeling guilty" all the time is that ultimately it's a selfish feeling and trains you to only see yourself in the situation.

It removes the space where you can express gratitude for doing what's important to you or being offered the help and support you should receive from a partner.

Without gratitude, your husband can't win. He can't do something for you and see you happy.

Because no matter what he does, no matter how sweet, supportive, romantic, or sacrificial it won't register because instead of gracefully receiving like a queen you're "feeling guilty" like a a peasant not worth being given to.

Girl, chin up!

Let your man honor your needs and wants.

He might not be able to honor all of them at the same time but when he does say THANK YOU!

Offer him the recognition that he is, in fact, a decent and loving man.

"With gratitude, you can change the habit of guilt into one of truly receiving in your life while also giving to the man you love something he deeply desires: appreciation and recognition. "

Feeling guilty, at its root, says you don't believe you're worth it.

You don't believe you deserve to be given to and treated well.

You don't deserve to be imperfect, have limits, or have desires.

It's rooted in how you see yourself. You'll go to the ends of the earth for someone else but no one else is allowed to do the same for you.

Let's change that.

You are a full human being like any one else on the planet, male or female.

With gratitude, you can change the habit of guilt into one of truly receiving in your life while also giving to the man you love something he deeply desires: appreciation and recognition.