What You Want vs. What He Hears • Wives Of Jannah

Maybe you feel like you've complained to your husband until you're blue in the face asking for something specific to happen. It's crystal clear to you that what you want is obvious.

First, I want to tell you that you aren't alone.

You can probably google your issue and find thousands of other wives with the same issue.
(see images below using some of these phrases)

"Husband doesn't show me any attention after work"
"I don't feel appreciated by my husband."
"I feel like my husband doesn't help enough with household chores"
"My Muslim husband doesn't plan anything special for me"

I share this often with my coaching clients to offer them assurance that while things are difficult, they aren't the first and insha'Allah things can improve in time with better tools and techniques.

So what options do you have?

What's Within Your Control

1) Focus on Being Specific About Actions You Want

"I don't want to tell him what to do! He's a man, he should be able to figure it out!"

I hear this often from my coaching clients (specifically the wives) and I understand the sentiment behind it. You want to be taken care of, to feel loved, and to see your husband do the mental work to determine how to make you happy.

How many years have you been saying this though? If it's not working out for you, and you're just increasing in feelings of resentment, it's time for a different plan.

When you tell your husband what you need in terms of the action you are looking for his brain can grasp what meeting your need actually looks like. Otherwise, he might do his own guess work, and still fail because he didn't do the right action you wanted.

Let's practice asking for an action that's specific.

"I want you to help more around the house!" --> "I'd like you to do the night routine with the kids while I load the dishwasher and finish the kitchen in peace."

"I want you to be more available for us as a family." --> "I'd like a set time each day and weekend to look forward to as family time where you are fully available to connect with."

"I'm tired of how often you cave into your mother's requests for us to come over. We never go out as a couple!" --> "I miss you. I want you to see your mother and I also need time alone with you to build our romantic connection. How can we schedule a block of time for just us each week?"

2) Understand What He Hears

When a wife is trying her best to share her hurt, disappointment, and needs, she may miss that how she is expressing herself isn't allowing him to actually know what the solution is.

What you think you're sharing are requests but what he is probably hearing is vague ideas wrapped up in criticism. The more grounded he is as a man the better he can take the hit and still respond with love.

But a lot of men don't know how to listen without getting defensive when they are feeling attacked. Rather than being upset about that, work with it.

What they hear...

"You never spend time with me..." (you're awful)
"I'm always the one to do everything around here..." (you're worthless)
"I never get to do something just for myself..." (you're selfish)
"You go out with your friends and I'm always stuck with the kids.."(you're a jerk)
"When's the last time you said something nice about me?" (you're heartless)
"You never respect my feelings when I express myself." (you're a jerk)

HANG ON!!!!!

I know a lot of women would jump in right here and say "Megan, if my husband said these things to me I'd take it seriously and change! I would ask more questions and seek to understand him. I'm the one always taking seriously his needs but he doesn't do the same for me.

Maybe.

Or maybe some of you would be just as defensive if things were turned around.

Let's try a few....

"You never keep the house consistently organized and clean."
"I'm the only one who has to worry about our budget and earning money."
"I never get time to myself after working all day."
"I don't have a single hobby for myself - I'm always trying to do stuff for the family."
"You rarely make me feel desired as a man or initiate intimacy."
"You never respect my feelings when I express myself."

I don't know about you but I think I'd feel pretty defensive with statements like this. The first thing your brain would do is try to prove how and when these statements haven't been true.

And that is the beginning of a fight going nowhere...

If you pay attention you can now see there aren't any actionable requests.

When you work with specific requests a much better conversation can be had because of the following:

1) the exact action you imagine would be a solution is on the table
2) discussing alternative actions can be discussed until a win-win is found
3) there is no mind reading expected to magically figure out what to do
4) you are accepting with maturity that if your husband knew what intuitive action he should be doing - he would have done it. (and viceversa)
5) you are inviting teamwork vs. staying angry & alone while not speaking up.