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Building Back Your Self Confidence


Building Back Your Self Confidence 
by Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah 

Honestly, I think us females are just so hard on ourselves! We truly are!

So many women express the feeling that they've lost themselves after marriage and starting a family. That academic go-getter girl who had big dreams before marriage is now the go-fold-another-pile-of-laundry woman who dreams of a crumb free floor, empty laundry basket, and a chance to sit down and drink from her favorite mug in silence. 

Goodness. So many of us just want silence. Not diamonds and bigger houses. Just silence! But so many of us also desire....more. To see more of ourselves realized and to feel confident in our abilities to participate in the world at large. 

As a wife and a mother of four, alhamdulilah and masha'Allah,  I completely understand the desire for silence, to see the bottom of my laundry basket, and to connect with parts of myself that go beyond my family and home.

Saying this out loud is often scary for women who fear it makes them sound ungrateful or uncaring about their families.

But it doesn't have to be this or that.

You can be a fully dedicated wife and mother and also dedicate yourself to areas of your life that truly nurture you and make good use of your talents and abilities.

Before I discuss self-confidence it's worth nothing that the phrase "self-confidence" and "self-esteem" are often interchanged but they focus on different parts of ourselves. 

"The terms self-confidence and self-esteem are often conflated. Confidence is a measure of faith in one’s own abilities; esteem is about our sense of self. It involves both thoughts and emotions and influences how we perceive others and interact with the world." (1)

In another post I'll talk about self-esteem but today let's look at building back your self-confidence without compromising your family life. 


1) Make peace with prioritizing your family.

I am completely unapologetic about the fact that I only coach clients on Sundays.  This is because being present with my husband and my kids is a top priority in my life. Each of my children, ranging in ages from 18-6 need a part of me each day.

I homeschool the younger two (and used to homeschool the older two) and spend a good part of my day aside from schooling as a taxi driver, chef, maid, and  Uno champion. I am proud of my sacrifices for my family and also extremely grateful for the fact that I can build a life around them. 

I will fight tooth and nail to make sure I can show up as my best self for my kids and that means saying no to opportunities and deadlines that I'd love to be a part of but can't. I know that for me, personally, there is a limit to what I can give to the world and I want to make sure when I show up for family or clients they are getting my personal best. 

Part of my self-confidence is built by my efforts for my family. I don't undervalue that role at all or think they aren't "enough" simply because those efforts aren't attached to the outside world.

Parenting is....oh my goodness.... the biggest role of my life! It's the biggest skill building and growth opportunity of my life and I work hard at being a better parent every day. Being a wife is equally a huge role and I also work hard striving to be a better wife every day.

And being a wife and parent are roles I am accountable to Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala, for before other areas of my life I'd like to pursue. So I take them seriously and I don't worry about being "too much of a housewife" or "only a mom" as a result. (We need to unpack those phrases another day.)

Instead, I have decided for me personally what honoring the rights of my family looks like and I do my best to uphold my goals in that area. May Allah forgive me my shortcomings and and increase me in acts of service and care for my family.


2) Invite goals into your life. 

All of that being said above I value the time and space I do carve out to take on new activities, goals, and challenges that nurture my self-confidence. Self-confidence isn't something you improve just by talking about it. It's built by doing something different and experiencing success, growth, and a degree of joy or accomplishment as a result. 

What do you want to do more of in your life? What skills are you longing to put into use? What makes your brain feel alive and excited? What gives you, what my kids call, "sparkly eyes?" Apparently my eyes twinkle in a noticeable way when I'm fully alive, in my element, and as a result relaxed. 

Having a goal in mind for your life is an invitation to grow and take new action. Goals, mind you, aren't the same thing as ideas. A goal is something with an action or series of actions that you'll take.

Building confidence can begin with small things like getting dressed each morning, taking a morning walk, reading The Qur'an for 5 minutes a day, or completing one single lecture in a two week period that you've been wanting to complete. 

It can also be led by bigger challenges. Reorganizing your closet, decluttering the garage, repainting a room, selling old things online and using that cash towards something new, taking an online course, or volunteering once a month in your local community. 

As you start with small easy goals it becomes easier to add on bigger goals. The positivity snowballs and reminds you that when you set your mind to something, insha'Allah, you can do it. 

For many of my coaching clients I look for goals that make them a little nervous because those are the ones closer to what they really want to accomplish.

I set 14 day challenges to give them a chance to start something new without the daunting feeling of being committed for life. Knowing they'll meet me again to talk about their goals propels them into action but so does simply having the environment to think about themselves and what they want.


3) It's ok to make space for you. 

Women, so much more than men, need reminded that it's O.K. to make space for themselves and their needs as an individual in the family schedule. Being fully committed, fully present, and fully available doesn't have to mean without limit. 

As a human being you aren't limitless in what you can give without it depleting you. Give with all your heart but make space to give to yourself. 

Work towards an environment where you have time to nurture your interests, your skills, and use them in a way that lights you up and reminds you that, attached as you are to your husband or children, you are still you. 

Invite your husband, if needed, into a conversation where you can share the value of alone time for your well-bing and of time to pursue things that lift your heart and builds your self-confidence. 

I have worked with so many women who felt depressed because, as much as they loved their family, felt that all they did was give, give, give and they no longer recognized their face in the mirror. They didn't want to feel resentful toward their husband or children but that feeling was present because they were being run ragged by how their family system was structured. 

"Suck it up" mentality doesn't work. Instead, I have seen it lead to women completely falling apart while feeling guilty for wanting anything for herself while constantly feeling her Lord must be angry at her because serving her family isn't "enough."

You are a full human being. Make space for all of you.

Circling back....

I started, if you notice, talking about family and how I strive to prioritize mine in whatever way I can. I start with this because I want women to understand I am a wife and mother who values her role. I get it.

I understand mom guilt, wife guilt, spiritual guilt and have had to conquer that too! It seems something most women share in common are feelings of guilt when it comes to living a life that feels balanced for us.

But me being here and serving the Wives of Jannah community, whether through a blog post, podcast, in a program, or coaching is also an important part of my life. I pushed through the guilt and instead focused on building a life that supports the goals and vision that I have because I recognize my potential, my limits, and my needs.

And I also know that there is space and time for you. You just have to believe you are worth seeking it. And you are. 

So I leave you with this golden rule I teach and live by:

"You can't do everything you want all at the same time.
But you can make time to do everything you want."

Life has seasons. Some seasons offer you more time and some offer you less.

No matter the season make time for the things to remind you of who you are. 
Remember you are already doing so much and be proud of that. 

And with that, your own self-confidence will build or bounce right back!

Why Knowing Yourself In Marriage Is Critical

Why Knowing Yourself In Marriage Is Critical
by Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah

A good friend reminded me as of late that I have spent years on my own personal development and that it has paid off with immense self awareness, Alhamdulilah. I am vulnerable, willing to hold tough conversations, and very in touch with how I think and feel. 


She reminded me because once you get used to being so incredibly touch with what's going on inside of you it's easy to forget that not everyone else in your personal life is on the same when having an important conversation with someone you care about.

"Not everyone has done the same amount of personal work you have. Not everyone is ready to look within themselves that deeply," she said.

As someone who has committed to over a decade of seeking to know myself, healing from the past, sorting my own baggage, and taken responsibility for my own shortcomings, wrong turns, and sins (an on-going journey of course) I don't want to imagine my life had I not taken this route.

I shudder to think of how I would respond to tests I've been presented with over the past several years, alone, had I not been equipped with immense self-awareness and also self-acceptance.


People often misunderstand the work of "personal development" and think it's about having an obsession with one's self. On the contrary, the focal point is on becoming a better human being and in order to do that you have to increase your level of self-awareness about how you are currently living in your life.

As a wife, for example, you might consider the following questions:

Am I showing up as the wife I imagined I would be?
Are my expectations of myself fair? What are they based on?
How am I responsible for the state of my marriage currently? 
What do I really long for in my relationship that I haven't expressed?
How am I handling myself when I'm upset?
What are the hot buttons that trigger a bad reaction from within me?
Am I afraid of being vulnerable in my relationship?
If I did one new thing this month to be a more loving wife what would it be?
What's upsetting me in my life and the effects of that are creeping into my marriage?

The focus is on yourself but the results of that focus, or lack thereof, impact other people. 


"Whatever is going on inside of us will, in one way or another, impact the people closest to us and that includes that dark sides of ourselves."

We are not islands as individuals. Whatever is going on inside of us will, in one way or another, impact the people closest to us and that includes that dark sides of ourselves.

The question is are you willing to shine some light into your own darkness?

Are you willing to own your stuff, sort your baggage, recognize when you're triggered by something much, much bigger than what is presenting in the moment?

One of the things I love the most about the personal development movement as a whole is that it doesn't say "Wait until you are in so much pain that you can't take it anymore and then finally reach out for help!"

It says "Harness today to take the next step in becoming a better person because your quality of life is dependent on who you are and how you show up in your life and relationships. You deserve a quality and meaningful life like anyone else. It's yours for the building."

A quality and meaningful life doesn't mean a perfect life without troubles. (Anyone trying to sell you perfection should be avoided at all costs.)

But it means that old wounds, old patterns, and old habits which all lead you back into darkness no longer run your life. Instead, you are focusing forward towards the life you want to build.

Your marriage is such a significant part of your life. Does it not deserve that you invest yourself fully into being your best self?

The quality of any relationship will be measured by how the two people involved show up. 

Look at the difference in these examples regarding a husband and a wife. This scenario is a really common one for many of my coaching clients, however, it goes both ways.

Example #1
He is insecure, but doesn't admit it to himself, so he tries to control his wife and where she goes, who she talks to, and how she talks using religion as his cover. She is afraid of not being enough so, despite how much it hurts, she lets herself be controlled. At least she is loved enough to be controlled. She is afraid of Allah being upset wit her also and isn't sure her worth in front of her Lord. 

Example #2
He is insecure about himself and notices that he feels jealous when his wife interacts with a man in any way. He knows it's wrong but he feels extremely jealous. So he ends up controlling his wife and where she goes, who she talks to, and how she talks and resorts to using religious arguments to hide his true feelings. He feels bad when she cries but doesn't tell her. She knows he is being overbearing and out of line but feels afraid to take a firm stand against him. What if he pulls away from her and deprives her of his love? She is aware he is using religion the wrong way but isn't sure how to respond back to his arguments. She is pretending to be fine when she's actually hurting a lot. 

Example #3
He is insecure about himself and notices that he feels jealous when his wife interacts with a man in any way. He makes istighfaar, takes a deep breath, and reminds himself that he is worthy of her love. He reminds himself to treat her well and focus on what is within his control which is his behavior as a man. She notices a bit later he is tense and asks "What's wrong." He says, "Triggered. Sorry, give me a few minutes to calm down." "I'm sorry you feel that way, " says says and holds his hand in silence giving him space as she now understands what's wrong. He silently asks Allah for strength and she silently asks Allah to let her be a source of comfort for him. 

Example #2 shows a slight progression in terms of self-awareness but no ability to change the outcome. Most people I work with in coaching are in stage #1 or in stage #2. My job is to help them grow into stage #3. 

In Example #3 you see ownership over a problem. You see two people who have made space for some personal baggage. He owns his weakness and controls how he treats his wife.

She knows she is worthy of being treated with respect and doesn't try to explain away her behavior as she knows she didn't do anything wrong.

They both hold on to each other until the moment passes and what was once a problem between them is now a means of coming closer together.

Whether a couple lives at level 1, 2, or 3 will be entirely up to them. 

The more you know yourself the faster you can live at level 3. 

You will never be fully healed, fully resolved, and fully over every wound in your life. 

But you can be fully aware, take full ownership of how you manage yourself, and be a better person in all your relationships. 

Step by step. 

Just begin. 

****
Looking for an online program to strengthen your marriage and learn more about yourself?
Check out the Wives of Jannah Digital Library and find the program right for you.

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How To Stop Feeling Guilty

How To Stop Feeling Guilty
by Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah

The big G word comes up a lot in my coaching sessions with Muslim wives. That word is GUILT. 

Women struggle with feeling guilty. A lot. 

I would say it's one of the most powerful invisible forces that hold women back from living their best life. 

What do women feel guilt about? Almost anything! But here some of the examples I've heard just within the last several months alone from Muslim wives in my coaching program.

Women feel guilty for.....
...wanting time away from their kids to be alone.
...wanting to sit down, relax, and do nothing.
...asking their husband to put the baby down for a nap so she can clean the house.
...asking for more money to purchase something she really needs or wants.
...not using their formal education and "just being a mom."
...wanting to spend more time with their husband when he's tired.
...wanting their husband to take a parenting course so they are on the same page.
...not having dinner done on time to serve the family or the inlaws as guests.
...not having the house clean all the time!
...not being in better shape.
...not doing everything herself and making whatever she is doing Pinterest worthy!

What's so interesting about guilt is that, generally speaking, men don't feel it as often or as intensely as women do. There are numerous studies that have been conducted trying to understand why so many women describe feeling guilt about so many areas of their life.

When is the last time you heard a man say he felt guilty for taking the car to get the oil changed?

When is the last time you heard a man say he felt guilty because the house wasn't perfect?

When is the last time you heard a man say he felt guilty for sitting down and relaxing after work?

Unless his wife has told him his actions upset her the chances are he feels just....fine. 

And many men I work with feel fine. In fact, they feel fine until their wife tells them that she isn't happy with his choices at home. 

So maybe us females are hardwired or culturally nurtured to feel guilty. I can't claim to have the facts on that one. 

But here is what I do know will help you stop feeling guilty especially around your husband.

"Instead of focusing on guilt, which ultimately is about you, focus on gratitude which is about giving to others. When your husband does something nice or considerate don't feel guilty. Feel grateful! Change your habit from thinking of you-you-you to reflecting appreciation for that man who is supporting you in your life." 

Instead of focusing on guilt, which ultimately is about you, focus on gratitude which is about giving beyond yourself.

When your husband does something nice or considerate don't feel guilty. Feel grateful!

Change your habit from thinking of you-you-you to reflecting appreciation for that man who is supporting you in your life.

What's so interesting about "feeling guilty" all the time is that ultimately it's a selfish feeling and trains you to only see yourself in the situation.

It removes the space where you can express gratitude for doing what's important to you or being offered the help and support you should receive from a partner. 

Without gratitude, your husband can't win. He can't do something for you and see you happy. 

Because no matter what he does, no matter how sweet, supportive, romantic, or sacrificial it won't register because instead of gracefully receiving like a queen you're "feeling guilty" like a a peasant not worth being given to.

Girl, chin up! 

Let your man honor your needs and wants. 

He might not be able to honor all of them at the same time but when he does say THANK YOU! 

Offer him the recognition that he is, in fact, a decent and loving man.

"With gratitude, you can change the habit of guilt into one of truly receiving in your life while also giving to the man you love something he deeply desires: appreciation and recognition. "


Feeling guilty, at its root, says you don't believe you're worth it. 

You don't believe you deserve to be given to and treated well.

You don't deserve to be imperfect, have limits, or have desires.

It's rooted in how you see yourself. You'll go to the ends of the earth for someone else but no one else is allowed to do the same for you. 

Let's change that. 

You are a full human being like any one else on the planet, male or female.

With gratitude, you can change the habit of guilt into one of truly receiving in your life while also giving to the man you love something he deeply desires: appreciation and recognition. 

Want to strengthen your marriage from the comfort of your own home? 
Learn more about. Wives of Jannah Programs

Never Debase Yourself

Never Debase Yourself
by Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah

Islam never asks a woman to debase herself in order to earn the pleasure of Allah.

Which means you should never debase yourself in order to seek the pleasure of your husband.

Islam elevates the status of women. Always.

Obedience to your husband is about supporting his leadership and the responsibility he has in front of his Lord to guide and care for his family.

It's a huge, huge responsibility. One he will be questioned about.

It's about letting him take care of you and protect you.

If you don't feel like you'd want to obey your husband, generally speaking, then there is a bigger issue at hand.

It means that his choices aren't about honoring and elevating you.

Part of being a wife who is seeking Jannah is to also remember your worth as a human being and to never let any other human being take that away from you.

The path to Jannah is not paved by debasing ourselves or throwing our values, dignity, and self-worth out the window.

This is not the goal and has never been the goal of marriage in Islam.

If you want to fight for your marriage then do it but not by hollowing yourself out and becoming a woman with no voice and no values.

A man isn't always right by virtue of being male.

He isn't always on the right path just because he's male.

He can oppress others. He can harm others. He can do wrong. He can commit a sin.

And when he does he needs someone else to be his mirror and give him the chance to recognize his mistakes so he can correct them.

Abu Huraira said, “The believer is a mirror to his brother. If he sees something wrong in him, he should correct it.”  (1)

Women, many women, need to hear this and be reminded of this.

God does not favor men in Islam.

He does not "make men right" just because they are men.

Which means that as a noble women your voice is as important, has virtuous, and as needed as his voice.

Let us not confuse a leadership model that seeks to provide support and protection with gender superiority.

You, as a woman, always have a right to be heard, seen, and your needs recognized and valued.

While I deeply value my work in strengthening marriages, I also deeply value the human beings involved and want them to be in a marriage that is emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy.

The goal of a marriage isn't to be legally halal people living under one roof.The goal of marriage is to build a life of submission to Allah together and to raise a family who worships and remembers Him.

The goal of marriage is to offer love, companionship, intimacy, and support to one and other.

"And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect." (30:21)

So yes, fight for your marriage but understand what you must fight for in order to end up with a relationship that nourishes your life vs. one that destroys it. 

May Allah reward you every step of the way and support you in finding solutions that support you and your marriage. 

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