Q: I am newly married to a loving and caring husband. The problem is I get dry during or before sexual intercourse and I fear it might be a disorder or a problem. Sometimes it gets painful during and after sex. I am worried because I feel I have a major problem that needs a solution and I want to satisfy my husband in every possible way I can. Although he is being understanding, supportive and patient. I don't feel comfortable discussing it with any of my family members or friends. I hope you can help me?

Thank you for asking this question, because a condition like this can affect many different women, and as you have experienced, it becomes difficult, painful, if not impossible to experience sexual intercourse with your husband.

Alhamdulelah, I am happy that your husband is loving and caring and he is willing to help you work through this as a couple.

First of all, to be on the safe side, I would recommend getting a physical examination from your doctor to rule out any medical conditions that are easily solvable. This way you have peace of mind that it’s not something physical in your body.

Assuming you are an otherwise healthy Muslimah, my first hunch says that this is an emotional issue, not a physical one.

When a woman is afraid to be emotionally vulnerable, lacks confidence with her body, feels afraid of potential pain, being “good enough” to please her husband, or has had an experience in her past that was sexually traumatizing* (such as molestation) then it is possible, in any of these cases, and others, that she will not be able to relax mentally.

As a result her body responds to the mental state, and in an effort to “protect for potential hurt or harm” shuts down physically. In this case, you become dry, and sex becomes painful.

Then a cycle begins.

The subconscious thought process might go something like this. “Last time I felt uncomfortable, and sex was painful. What if this time is the same? He will be disappointed, and I won’t be able to satisfy my husband. If he isn’t pleased with me, will Allah be pleased with me? I’m afraid this is a major problem...”

You can imagine that if this background dialogue or one similar to it is taking place in your mind, how a cycle of discomfort emotionally and physically will continue. So first, is exploring what your mind is focused on. 

Second, consider asking if your body is turned on at all. 

Women often require more time to be physically ready for intercourse compared to a man. The moisture level can be impacted by many things, but one of them is whether or not you are physically aroused. If you haven't been physically touched in a way that arouses you, there is a good chance you will remain dry. 

So, ask your husband to focus on arousing your body and satisfying your physical needs before his own. If you don’t have any, or aren’t even sure how to make that happen, then it’s time for you both to explore that together, slowly, and gently, with affectionate touch from him to you. 

Imam Ibn al-Qayyim, (ra)  reports in his famous “Tibb al-Nabawi” that the Messenger of Allah (saw) forbade from engaging in sexual intercourse before foreplay. ( al-Tibb al-Nabawi, pg. 183, from Jabir ibn AbdAllah)

Remove the pressure that every physical encounter MUST end in intercourse. Make a decision together to simply enjoy the process, without having a goal in mind over the course of a few weeks. If he is patient, and you are open and honest, slowly, you will find a resolution to this.

Third, be open and honest with your husband about how you are feeling both in mind and body. If you were enjoying your experience with him, and then all of the sudden you noticed you suddenly at “turned off” then let him know gently. Pay specific attention to what is going in your body, and where. Honor your experience. 

Fourth, visualize what a loving experience looks like ahead of time, and imagine it over and over again in your head before spending time with him. This way you are training your mind and body to see and feel relaxation in relation to your husband.

With time, practice, and openness, I am confident you will be able to overcome this situation, insha’Allah.

May Allah reward you for your intentions. Ameen. 

Q: I made the mistake of speaking about my husband and some of our problems to my siblings for the first time ever since we’ve been married, and they in turn spoke to my parents. My family is now upset at what they have learned and are angry with my husband and aren’t welcoming him in their home right now. Truthfully, I was hurt by my husband, and felt he wasn’t meeting my emotional needs, but the issues aren’t as big a deal as my family is turning them into. In a moment of weakness, I opened up, and now regret doing this. My husband is upset with me for doing this, and also upset at my family. He still loves me and is trying to be sweet, but I know he is upset. What do I do to fix this?

(Note: Megan has already confirmed with the questioner that her marriage is safe and that no abuse of any kind is taking place. In this wife’s situation, the issues were important to her, but nothing out of the norm that a couple can’t work on together.)

First things first, it sounds like an apology is in order to your husband.

You’re human, and you turned to your siblings during a time when you were emotionally in need, which is understandable from an emotional perspective.

However, the decision has not brought about positive results for yourself, marriage, or family, and taking responsibility for that, beginning with your husband, will help restore his trust for you, and begin the process of healing for both of you in this situation.

His shock of finding out that your entire family is upset at him, speaking badly about him, and now, not wanting to see him must be really hard for him. Acknowledging that would also be a step in the direction of honoring his feelings in this situation.

At some point, we do need to also honor what led you to the breaking point of speaking to your family, when normally you don’t, rather than your husband. 

You have mentioned your own emotional needs were not being met, so I hope that this situation will be the beginning of a new dialogue for both of you.

It is very common for both wives and husbands to not be truly aware of the emotional needs of their spouse, and one unfortunate side effect of this is finding out one spouse has sought those needs outside of the marriage.

Alhamdulillah, it was your family, and not a non-Mahram male, or just a friend who may not be trustworthy with what you are sharing. But no matter the person, this is a warning sign for both of you.

Something has to change.

Whenever a spouse hurts the other because of their loneliness in the marriage, it’s easy to blame the person “at fault,” however, relationships are usually a bit more complicated than that. Both people may have played a role, even if unintentionally, in creating the current atmosphere that is now hurting them.

In your case, your needs weren’t met, he didn’t know how to meet them, and you caved in and complained to your family, who in turn, thought to take matters into their own hands. By showing and expressing their anger at your hurt, assuming they have good intentions, is to make sure your needs are met.

Unfortunately, that could cause even greater harm for both of you because the hurt is now magnified and a new set of problems are there, along with the old ones.

So here is how you can move forward: 

1) Apologize:

Apologize to your husband for your faults and give him space to express his hurt and disappointment again if he needs to. Give him some time to process your apology, and let him know you can both talk about what led to this later.

2) Express your emotional needs

Express your emotional needs and provide specific and tangible ways he could meet those needs. It’s likely he didn’t know your needs were going unmet, and may have no clue what you need more of. 

Give him specific examples like “I want to feel supported regarding the kids, and I feel supported when you ask me how my day was and listen” or “I want to feel emotionally connected, and I feel that way when you go to bed at the same time as me and we cuddle in bed before sleeping.” Give him somewhere and something to start with!

3) Address your family.

Let them know that while you were upset with your husband, the truth is, things could have improved had you known how to better express yourself with him, and there was and is no need for them to get involved. Thank them for their love and concern, and then compliment and express the whole truth about him, such as the kind and loving things he does for you every day. Focus on praising him in the future in front of them and assuring them you are both working things out. The goal isn't to put on a show but to show the whole picture which reflects you both have some learning to do. 

4) Find a neutral support person. 
​
If things don't improve consider working with someone who is neutral to help you improve how you communicate and work through your relationship challenges. While some family members can be helpful when a couple is struggling your family has shown that they aren't able to handle the situation with balance, support, and wisdom. I also offer relationship coaching which you can ​learn more about here.

Insha Allah this is a place to start to repair your relationship, and the beginning of a new way of communicating with your husband. Insha Allah in no time you will both be able to move past this, and will be a moment of growth you will be grateful for down the road.

Q: My question is regarding my husband. Our marriage was fine when the children were younger; we had our little ups and downs but he was more committed at home with me and the children. But now the children are over 16 and we are in our late 40s, he is starting to see more of his friends as he has his own business. There is one friend in particular who is a bad influence on him; he is married but is a womaniser and also drinks. I have, on certain occasions, deleted this friend’s number out of my hubby's phone but he still manages to get his number back. How do I solve this matter?

Trying to control him and deleting the friend’s phone numbers will be unlikely to work very well, and more likely to push your husband away from you, and closer to his friend simply out of defensiveness of making his own decisions as a man.

While your intentions are no doubt good, the actions can feel mothering, and a husband doesn’t want to feel that from his wife.

Have you ever expressed your feelings of insecurity with your husband regarding his friend, and your fears of how this could impact you as a couple? Because you didn’t mention how you perceive the friend has a bad influence on your husband, it’s hard to know if the issue is the friend, or perhaps, you are noticing a different side of your husband that you weren’t aware of before.

Either way, the message cannot be one of control.

Rather, a message of desire to remain close together, to have a strong marriage, and to be vulnerable enough to express your fears in a way that are not critical of him is needed.

Sometimes, wives find it easier to send an email rather than initiate the dialogue face to face the first time. You decide which one works best for you as a couple.

For example, you might say something like this: “I want us to have active social lives, and at the same time, I feel a bit insecure when you spend time with so-and-so. I respect your right to make decisions on who you spend your time with, and I want to support you in that. There are a few things I think I know about so-and-so that lead me to feel concerned about how his influence could affect our relationship. Can we talk about it?”

Invite your husband to be a part of your experience rather than try to block him out and control everything on your own.

Let me know how it goes!