My husband’s friend is a bad influence • Wives Of Jannah

Q: My question is regarding my husband. Our marriage was fine when the children were younger; we had our little ups and downs but he was more committed at home with me and the children. But now the children are over 16 and we are in our late 40s, he is starting to see more of his friends as he has his own business. There is one friend in particular who is a bad influence on him; he is married but is a womaniser and also drinks. I have, on certain occasions, deleted this friend’s number out of my hubby's phone but he still manages to get his number back. How do I solve this matter?

Trying to control him and deleting the friend’s phone numbers will be unlikely to work very well, and more likely to push your husband away from you, and closer to his friend simply out of defensiveness of making his own decisions as a man.

While your intentions are no doubt good, the actions can feel mothering, and a husband doesn’t want to feel that from his wife.

Have you ever expressed your feelings of insecurity with your husband regarding his friend, and your fears of how this could impact you as a couple? Because you didn’t mention how you perceive the friend has a bad influence on your husband, it’s hard to know if the issue is the friend, or perhaps, you are noticing a different side of your husband that you weren’t aware of before.

Either way, the message cannot be one of control.

Rather, a message of desire to remain close together, to have a strong marriage, and to be vulnerable enough to express your fears in a way that are not critical of him is needed.

Sometimes, wives find it easier to send an email rather than initiate the dialogue face to face the first time. You decide which one works best for you as a couple.

For example, you might say something like this: “I want us to have active social lives, and at the same time, I feel a bit insecure when you spend time with so-and-so. I respect your right to make decisions on who you spend your time with, and I want to support you in that. There are a few things I think I know about so-and-so that lead me to feel concerned about how his influence could affect our relationship. Can we talk about it?”

Invite your husband to be a part of your experience rather than try to block him out and control everything on your own.

Let me know how it goes! 

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