Du'a + Action
by Megan Wyatt,
Founder of Wives of Jannah
Many of my coaching clients share with me how hard they are making du’a for something they need in their life. Specifically, changes they are hoping for in their marriage. Turning to Allah is the best and first place to turn because everything we need and want is given to us by Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala.
I’m always inspired by the level of iman and commitment many of the people I interact with have. It’s amazing how many of the servants of God are up before Fajr praying tahajjud. (May Allah make us of those who pray to Him at this time!)
With du’a, we have to also talk about taking action.
Consider the following ayah:
“Whatever of good reaches you, is from Allah, but whatever of evil befalls you, is from yourself…” [Surah al-Nisa’ 4:79]
When it comes to your relationship, it’s important to understand that both you and your husband are making conscious choices every single day about how you want to show up in your marriage.
What you say is a choice.
What you do is a choice.
How you both are treating one and other is, ultimately, a choice.
When you are upset it’s easy to blame your husband for how you reacted to something he said or did but, as a Muslim, you are also responsible in front of Allah for your choices. Same for him.
This idea of having to choose is extremely important to remember.
If you want your relationship to improve, after seeking the help and guidance of Allah, sit down and consider what specific actions you could take to improve how you are treating your husband.
Focus, first and foremost, on yourself and how you influence your marriage. Hold yourself to account for your words and actions and see what happens when you start to hold your tongue when you’re angry, apologize first, smile and make an effort to be more cheerful, and plan meaningful activities together.
The social media world has, unfortunately, led many women to believe that they owe their husbands nothing. That everything is his fault. That his imperfections have to be dealt with first.
Most advice for women is always followed up with, “How come you aren’t telling this to men! Why is it always a woman’s job to improve the marriage?”
The husband, being the leader of the family, actually carries the heaviest burden in this area. His spiritual practice and character is measured by how well he treats his wife.
Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The most complete of believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are the best in behavior to their women.” (Tirmidhi)
But this doesn’t excuse us women from taking charge of ourselves and doing everything we can to improve the very relationship we have chosen to be in.
I always say, yes, it takes two people to make a marriage work but it only takes one person to start inspiring those changes.
Why not strive to be that person? Why not strive to earn the pleasure of Allah by being better to your husband? As a Muslim woman, you cannot ignore the fact that you are responsible for your own soul and what you say and do. Your marriage is one huge opportunity to improve your own character and do more to seek the pleasure of Allah.
As someone who has spent more than a decade now coaching women in their relationships I can attest to the fact that, unless there is emotional and physical abuse present, she is also responsible for the state of the marriage. (With abuse, this advice changes.) *
Both people create patterns together.
Both people have a chemistry they are are creating based on how they react and response to each other.
When you change yourself, you change that reaction. You start to change that pattern.
You have more influence in your marriage than you probably realize! You also have more opportunities to focus on the purification of your heart.
Allah says in The Qur’an; “He has succeeded who purifies the soul, and he has failed who corrupts the soul” (Qur’an: 91:9-10)
Du’a + Action = CHANGE
Combine du’a with the actions you are planning to take and you will, insha’Allah, see positive changes.
Change comes slowly and requires some consistency. For most people they need an average of 3-6 months to see a relationship pattern completely shift to where there is better communication, connection, and understanding of each other.
So, have a little patience and full trust in Allah and remember that every action you take for the sake of Allah is written for you as a reward you are earning, insha’Allah!
If you aren’t sure what to do next for change, then consider reaching out for some support, taking an online program, or starting with a simple ebook.
May Allah allow us to be honest about our own shortcomings, hold ourselves to account before we are held to account, and to honor our marriages, spouses, and strive to become better servants of the Most Merciful.
*This article is intended for women in safe marriages. When there is emotional abuse or physical abuse taking place in a marriage the advice changes. A woman needs to seek safety and outside intervention when any abuse is taking place. In this case, no matter how hard she tries to be better an abusive individual will take advantage of her. Learn about cycles of abuse here.