Topic: repairing after a fight

Q: Is there an easier way to repair the damage after a fight where both my husband and I have said hurtful things to each other? It seems when I try to start discussing what happened again more calmly, we end up back in the thick of it all over again. 

Fights are always a bit messy, but repairing begins when one person takes responsibility for the hurtful words and actions that they chose.

I say chose because one of the mistakes we often make is attempting to justify our actions based on how we were feeling.

Once you try to justify things, the other person will do the same, and then you are right back to where you started.

The harder and higher ground is to own up to your poor choices regardless of what your spouse did.

Saying “I’m sorry for being disrespectful in how I spoke to you when I was upset” will get the ears of most men tuning in. Just make sure not to follow it with, “ ..but...because you…”

No buts. Just I’m sorry for being disrespectful, or any other adjective that you choose.

I know women have gotten really upset at me for suggesting they take the initiative with phrases like these and ask the question: “Why should I have to go first? I do all the work in our marriage to try to make things better!”

The choice is always yours to continue doing what you’ve always done, but if that’s not bringing more peace and emotional intimacy, then I suggest a new route, and it’s going to to require one of you taking the high road, and being more vulnerable first.

If Allah SWT gives you the capacity to repair, then why not be the repairer?

Here are several ahadith to consider as inspiration to hasten to take responsibility for your personal faults out of love and respect for your husband, but also so that in front of Allah SWT, you have also taken yourself to account.

The Prophet (SAW) said: "The best of the two persons is the one who begins with salam." (Related by Nawawi in his book Al-Adkar)

Abu Hurairah (RA) said: The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said, "The gates of Jannah are opened on Mondays and Thursdays, and then every slave (of Allah) is granted forgiveness if he does not associate anything with Allah in worship. But the person in whose heart there is rancour against his (Muslim) brother, they will not be pardoned and with regard to them it will be said twice: 'Hold both of them until they are reconciled with each other."' (Muslim).

May Allah SWT allow us all to remember that we stand alone in front of Him on the Day of Judgment, and therefore, we should strive to be responsible for our character made up by our actions and intentions, regardless of who has upset us or why we got upset. 

When a conversation becomes a fight it's because both people are no longer listening to each other's perspectives and having an open dialogue. Instead, out of defensiveness or insecurity, voices get raised, personal criticisms are doled out, and the next thing you know the conversation is out of hand. 

To return to a discussion is to do so when you both can mind your manners, hear the other each other's perspective, and be patient with each other in finding a middle ground for both of you.  

If you have genuinely apologized and your spouse gets upset when trying to return to the original topic at hand it may be best to let them know you want to talk but see they aren't ready yet.

Give them some space to think over things and come back to you when they are ready to talk. This way the apologize has time  soften their heart and you've offered them control in opening the topic up again. 

With time, you both will learn how to take turns offering this space to each other. Your husband will apologize first at times and you during others. The goal is to improve your communicate habits. 

Q: How do you interact with a husband who has less Islamic knowledge and is spiritually less active than you? 

The Prophet (saw) said in a beautiful hadith “I have only been sent to perfect good moral character.” (Ahmad)

The way you interact with your husband is by striving to be the most loving, awesome wife on the planet to him because you chose to marry him, and there must have been obvious reasons for making this decision.

What is interesting, however, is that when a spouse claims to be more religious than the other, they are often looking at Islam in a very narrow format. For example, the wife goes to a weekly halaqah, reads Qur’an everyday, makes dhikr after prayers, listen to lectures regularly on Youtube and doesn’t watch TV. For her, this is what religiosity looks like.

Her husband does none of those things, and so she finds herself believing she is more spiritually active than him.

However, he goes to work every day to provide for his family.

He is honest, never cheats anyone, is generous with his income with his family, kind to his wife and children, doesn’t complain much, helps around the house and with the kids as much as he can, sends money to take care of his aging parents abroad, doesn’t drink alcohol or joke around about good-looking women like other men at work and prays his five prayers a day.

On some days, he misses one, and often oversleep at Fajr time, but daily makes the commitment in his heart to be a better person with Allah SWT, and keeps trying to improve.

Which part of Islam is he practising that isn't being noticed by his wife because she is only checking off items against those on on her own list?

When a couple clashes, it’s less so over who is more religious and more about each person’s understanding of Islam and what being Muslim means to them. I feel, specifically for a couple, this is an important point to be aware of.

It doesn’t mean there might not be tough conversations about lifestyle choices, how to raise the kids, what to spend money on and so forth.

But all couples have those conversations, even when they appear to be on the same religious wavelength. Which is why, when I am working with a wife or a couple in private coaching, I often block the excuse of being different religiously as the absolute reason the couple is struggling with each other.

Usually, when we expand the situation and explore it a bit, we find that there are many factors contributing to their stress, and religious issues make up a part of that, but not all of it.

Finally, remember that you may be the person Allah SWT sent into the life of your husband to help him lovingly come closer to Allah SWT and his practice of Islam.

It’s such a tragedy when people become more practising of Islam, and return to their homes to become judgmental, critical, arrogant and harsh to those around them.

Every person is accountable for the state of their iman, but we are also accountable for how we invite or turn away those we love from Islam.

Suggested 7 Day Journal Exercise:

Over the next seven days, make a daily journal of all the things your husband does for you or to benefit you. Start by looking at the things you take for granted and forget to attribute to him. Then start looking harder at the small moments - a kind word, a hug, that he remembered to pick up something you asked him for.

Note that all of this is done to please you and understand that as his intention. Evaluate after this first week how you feel about him.

Repeat for the second week: adding to the journal every day again, but this time add in another category.

In the second category, I want you to take note if you showed appreciation, affection and overall awareness of your husband’s actions or not to him. This begins the journey of finding out how many of his emotional needs are being met too.

By week three, we can begin to have a better picture of what is going on within your marriage in reality, making it easier to create a positive roadmap for connection, intimacy and positive change for both of you.

***
Here is a video interview I did with Shaykha Muslema Purmul asking about this same question. It's called:Different Religious Wavelengths: How to Keep the Love Strong. You can watch Part 1/4 below and find the rest here on the Wives of Jannah youtube channel. 

How can I fall in love with my husband? I like him, but what does falling love really look like? Can you still fall in love after being married for a while or is this just some kind of hype we are shown in the movies and music. 

The process of falling in love is real, and it’s unfortunate to see many Muslim speakers discuss this topic as something that is false or even bad simply because of how it’s realised in the media or in the day to day lives of those who haven’t found guidance from Islam yet regarding gender interactions.

I have a unique way of describing how this process occurs and fully believe that any couple, no matter how long they have been married, can experience this sensation over and over again. In other words, it’s not just “a honeymoon phase” which then dies forever, paving the way for decades of marriage misery.

In fact, the falling in love process is available to all couples at any time.

So why, then, does it seem only available to those about to marry or the newly married?

Quite simply, it has everything to do with vulnerability.

The process of falling in love requires that two people take small risks with another person to open themselves up, put a piece of their heart out there, and wait for a response.

When a positive response comes, there is happiness and a desire to open up a little bit more. As the process continues, more and more is revealed, until finally, you find two people who are madly in love with each other. 

What happens in marriage is that after some time, people stop being vulnerable.

They stop taking small risks and stop putting their best comments, thoughts, intentions and actions into the relationship.

Over time, small fights and hurtful words take over, and there aren’t enough positive risks being taken - leading to the dreaded “marriage misery.”

People look back at the beginning and wonder why things then seemed so effortless back then, and how they were so happy.

They are told it’s because their marriage was new, and there was so much excitement getting to know each other, but now that you know everything about your spouse, there is nothing left to discover. Hence, if not miserable, marriage should be a mediocre experience.

This perception is not only wrong, but damaging. While it’s true in life that newness sparks excitement, it’s not the only way to experience passionate relationships.

I have four children, and despite living many years with them, my eldest about to turn seventeen, I don’t feel there is nothing exciting about her, nothing new to learn, and nothing but misery ahead for us as a mother and daughter.

I also value the friendships with other women that I’ve had for many years now and never run out of something to talk about or discuss with my closest friends.

In fact, most of us do not believe the misery stereotype about any other relationship except marriage!

I find that every day, there is something new to discover or observe about my own husband masha'Allah, and even more to reveal about myself.

The beautiful comfort of knowing one’s spouse and feeling at home with them isn’t at odds with always finding ways to be vulnerable, passionate and excited about each other.

The reality is that without positive consistent actions and sacrifice, all relationships would sour at some point.

Here are some tangible things to practise in this regard:

Bring back small physical gestures: Stroke your husband’s hand while he is driving, or embrace him in a sensual hug before he leaves for work. Wait for the return on that action. Rather than demanding instant return, let it simmer. Put the energy out there, and give him space to return his own vulnerable response.

Express genuine desire:  “I miss you,”or “I am looking forward to lunch with you on Saturday” or any other comment of anticipation that highlights positive emotions connected to an upcoming situation. Just because you live together day in, day out doesn’t mean that some moments aren’t more enjoyable and special than others.

Find out what makes him feel special and do it: When people first meet each other, they are usually willing to do just about anything to make their significant other feel awesome. Bring that back! Put the effort out there, and again, and  then wait for the response in time. If things have been stale for a while, it’s going to take time to shift the relationship energy.

Prioritise your man and your marriage: People who are in love have given each other a top notch position in their lives. Your husband shouldn’t come after your children, friends or social calendar so that all he ever gets is your emotional leftovers. You can easily do this by scheduling in time that’s just for the two of you to talk and catch up. Children as young as three can learn and understand what it means to have time for just Mummy and Daddy to talk.

Plan new adventures together: One way to see your husband in a new light is to go on new adventures together. Do things that are challenging for the both of you where you both have to get out of your comfort zones a little bit!

“But what about him! What about my husband being vulnerable, or opening up, or trying to make effort for me? It takes two to tango!” is a common embittered response.

It sure does take two. But as the old saying goes, it only takes one to get things started.

Even in a dance, if we stick with the metaphor, one person invites the other to dance, and the partner agrees to join in. There is always one person who has to take that first step and take the lead.

Why not you?

The falling in love concept equally follows this model.

One person makes a decision that they want to get to know someone else. A man inquires about a woman to see if she is available for marriage. A woman eyes someone at a family gathering, and then asks about him through her parents. It’s always one person who starts that vulnerability process.

The “poor me” mentality will not only prevent feelings of falling in love, but will also destroy the possibility that you will ever experience those feelings again.

The one thing that the falling in love phase in the beginning of a relationship does do is cover flaws.

In the beginning, you are not aware of the other’s faults, and if you see them, you tend to ignore them since the peak of emotions is so high. Many years into marriage, your spouse knows your biggest flaws, and you know his. This is even more of a reason to enjoy vulnerability, because you don’t have to pretend to be someone you aren’t.

You just have to keep revealing the person you are becoming every day and look forward to embracing who your husband is becoming as the years pass by.

There is so much to work with every day that is new, if you simply looked explored, and remained forever curious about him and yourself.

*****

Topic: husband wants her to remove her hijab

Q: I am a convert (3 years), New Yorker and Hispanic. I have been married for 16 years. I started wearing the hijab immediately after converting. At first my husband asked me if it was a phase and asked me to only wear it for jummah/masjid related events. I briefly explained to him how important it was to me. Since then, my relationship has declined dramatically. He has  told me outright that he feels uncomfortable being seen with me out in public because he feels as if everyone is looking at us, and mostly because he hates the way I look in it. I continue to wear the hijab all the time, even though I know how uncomfortable it makes him. I ultimately care about pleasing Allah (swt)

One of the first things I’ve always told converts is to be prepared for a test to come their way which will challenge their new commitment to Islam. Usually, that test comes within one of the key relationships in their life. In your case, it’s your husband. In others, it’s their parents, best friend, or boss at work.

It reminds me of the following ayahs in the Qur’an.

“Do people think that they will be left alone because they say: "We believe," and will not be tested.

And We indeed tested those who were before them. And Allah will certainly make (it) known (the truth of) those who are true, and will certainly make (it) known (the falsehood of) those who are liars”
(Al Ankabut:2-3)

Maybe being a convert myself, I feel comfortable offering these words because it allows a person new to the faith to know that when things get tough, it’s simply a way of being strengthened in their commitment insha Allah.

But having your husband be the person who is challenging you in the act of obeying Allah SWT regarding hijab certainly presents its own unique set of challenges. You cannot remove the hijab to please him, and at the same time, you want him to be pleased with you.

There are likely many reasons he isn’t comfortable with you covering, but all of them boil down to him dealing with uncertainty.

He has already expressed that he is uncomfortable because his perception is that everyone is staring at you, and therefore, he isn’t “normal” anymore. He can’t blend in standing next to you. He can’t have certainty of what people will think or say around both of you, or whether or not someone might try to say rude comments to you or harm you.

But then we’ve got a lot of compassionate "maybes" to entertain in our minds.

Maybe your visibility as a Muslim makes him have to come face to face with his own personal level of commitment to Islam and his own Muslim identity.

Maybe he missed the “old” you and is afraid to relate to you as you are because he thinks he’ll have to start changing himself. It’s a lot easier to remind someone of their past than it is to change and move forward when someone else is growing.

As human beings, we are all resistant to change when it comes without us asking for it.

Even if he technically believes women should be following the Qur’an regarding covering, he may still not like the sudden change he experienced with you when you began dressing differently. Not because he is bad or evil, but because he loves you, and wrestles with sudden change.

So, there are a lot of maybes, but going through them is an important mental exercise, because it opens your heart to not just a way to understand him, but a way to have greater compassion towards him.

Here are some suggestions to reconnect in your marriage:

1. Remind him often of what made you say yes to him in the first place. Act the way you did when you first got together, and bring back the excitement to see him, passionate energy and desire to please him.

2. Appreciate his worries and concerns about you covering. Even at face value, he doesn’t want you to stand out and be mistreated. He doesn’t want people to be afraid of Muslims, and he thinks you're beautiful uncovered. See how you can work with that, and make extra effort to look good when you’re at home. Maybe he is just missing the “old” you a bit.

3.  Have patience and compassion with him in regards to the Deen. It may be that your conversion, while a happy occasion for both of you, has also left him feeling inadequate in how he is following Islam. Make du’a for him often, and recognize that the conviction you have is a blessing from Allah SWT. With that in your heart, be a source of acceptance and comfort for him as much as you can.

Insha'Allah, with patience, steadfastness, and kindness on your part he'll come around and respect your level of commitment and it will eventually soften his heart. 

Q: How do you balance your responsibilities towards your parents, post marriage, where indo-pak mentalities within in-laws dictate a girl forgets her old home after marriage? 

I understand that there is a strong  tradition followed by some within your culture which emphasizes not only obedience and conformity to your husband’s family, but also an expectation that you practically cut off your relationship with your own parents.

Because I’m not from the same culture, I am not likely the best person to advise you on the matter. However, I do want to emphasize that within Islam, one is never supposed to cut ties with their family, nor ignore them or neglect them.

What I would recommend is working on this matter with your husband directly, and finding his position on the matter, while expressing your desire to remain close with your parents. If you can positively influence him to accept your love for your family, he can help stand up for your position within the rest of the family. 

In a world where there is so much technology to keep us connected, there should be no excuse for not having regular conversation and even video chats with your parents. This is the least you can do in private, and the frequency of conversation doesn’t need to be known within your extended family. You have every right to continue to speak with your family.

Your family also has a right to visit you and you to visit them so long as there are the financial means to do so. Again, you will need to work with your husband to help him overcome this cultural tradition which has brought much heartache to many women and their families. 

Your parents are the reason your husband has a wife to marry, and therefore, he should honor them by making sure your relationship with them is never cut off.

I pray there comes a time when this custom will no longer be encouraged or practiced as it does not have roots from within our Deen.

Until then, see if you can also look for strong female role models within your family or community who broke tradition, and did so without having her in-laws ostracize her, and learn from them or seek advice as the best way to bring about change that is beneficial for everyone in the long term.

And remember that sometimes being the first in your network to break tradition can mean a lot of negative pressure but you'll be making sure it doesn't pass on to another generation.