The Golden Rule in Marriage
by Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah

There is a beautiful hadith which many of us are familiar with but we rarely think about within the context of marriage.

Anas narrated that the Prophet (saw) said:"None of you believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself." (1)

This hadith is version of the golden rule where we treat others as we’d like to be treated. Yet, it’s much more powerful than that because this hadith equates our faith, our level of iman, with how much we want someone around us to have the same things we love.

Your spouse has an ever greater status in your life than “your brother” or “your sister” in Islam because of the level of closeness and the importance of the relationship. 
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​Yet one of the most common relationship patterns I coach people to move beyond is the pattern of withholding love and kind actions towards their spouse because they want to get, first, what it is they could potentially give.

If you see yourself as a really giving and kind person to others but not as much with your husband it’s time to rethink your relationship strategy. He isn’t perfect. He never will be perfect and he is going to do things that annoy you and upset you from time to time.If you live with anyone day in and day out, year after year, I promise you they will also annoy you and upset you.

The fact that things aren’t perfect isn’t a reason for you not to show up as your best self and give the best you can give, for the sake of Allah, in your relationship.

Don’t hold back on goodness. Don’t hold back on love. Don’t hold back on loving actions. 
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​Be the person you want to be in front of Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala because it’s the person you are. The person you are, and will become, isn’t defined by what your husband does or doesn’t do. It’s defined by who you decide to be.
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​Do your best to be a mirror of the person you want your husband to be for you.

In other words, want for him what you truly want for yourself.

 “I’m always nice but he doesn’t pay enough attention to me.”
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​You might be thinking this as you read this post. I hear you. I hear you loud and clear and I understand that a good marriage needs two people both making the same effort to treat each other well and take care of each others needs. I absolutely hear you.

One of the things I help women do in my coaching program is help them develop the voice, words, and opportunity to express what they need more of in their marriages. If this is you, and you feel upset reading this then there is a good chance you aren’t feeling fulfilled in your relationship right now. That most definitely needs some to be changed.

I want you to feel loved, supported, and cherished in your relationship. If that’s not how things are, yet, then consider what steps you could take to help things change. If what you’ve been doing isn’t working for you, it’s time for a new approach. *

But do consider the fact that when you do something for your husband, while loving him for the sake of Allah, you are also nurturing your iman.

You are being encouraged to be selfless and giving in a way that’s consistent with what you hope he would be for you.

Selflessness doesn’t mean, just to clarify, doing something that is harmful for you.

It means to see the person and opportunity in front of you to give love to the person you love for no other reason than love itself and seeking the love of Allah. 

Yes, it’s a high standard. Islam sets high standards for all of us to aim for. The bar is high but the bar brings about rewards in this life and in the Hereafter.

Here is a simple and sweet example which I found in the hadith which reflects wanting for spouse what you want for yourself.

Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah: A woman said to the Prophet (ﷺ): Invoke blessing on me as well as on my husband. The Prophet (ﷺ) said: May Allah send blessing on you and your husband. (2)

As you go through your day and week think about small but loving actions you can bring into your marriage and do them knowing that every single kind action is being done for the sake of Allah and seeking to perfect your own character and iman.

“And those who believe and do good will be the residents of Paradise. They will be there forever.” (Qur’an: 2:82)

* Note: This post is for wives in safe relationships free of emotional or physical abuse. If you feel you are being mistreated at this level, please seek professional​ help.

Du'a + Action
by Megan Wyatt,
Founder of Wives of Jannah

Many of my coaching clients share with me how hard they are making du’a for something they need in their life. Specifically, changes they are hoping for in their marriage. Turning to Allah is the best and first place to turn because everything we need and want is given to us by Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala.

I’m always inspired by the level of iman and commitment many of the people I interact with have. It’s amazing how many of the servants of God are up before Fajr praying tahajjud. (May Allah make us of those who pray to Him at this time!)

With du’a, we have to also talk about taking action.

Consider the following ayah:
“Whatever of good reaches you, is from Allah, but whatever of evil befalls you, is from yourself…” [Surah al-Nisa’ 4:79]

When it comes to your relationship, it’s important to understand that both you and your husband are making conscious choices every single day about how you want to show up in your marriage.

What you say is a choice.

What you do is a choice.

How you both are treating one and other is, ultimately, a choice.

When you are upset it’s easy to blame your husband for how you reacted to something he said or did but, as a Muslim, you are also responsible in front of Allah for your choices. Same for him.

This idea of having to choose is extremely important to remember.

If you want your relationship to improve, after seeking the help and guidance of Allah, sit down and consider what specific actions you could take to improve how you are treating your husband.

Focus, first and foremost, on yourself and how you influence your marriage. Hold yourself to account for your words and actions and see what happens when you start to hold your tongue when you’re angry, apologize first, smile and make an effort to be more cheerful, and plan meaningful activities together.

The social media world has, unfortunately, led many women to believe that they owe their husbands nothing. That everything is his fault. That his imperfections have to be dealt with first.

Most advice for women is always followed up with, “How come you aren’t telling this to men! Why is it always a woman’s job to improve the marriage?”

The husband, being the leader of the family, actually carries the heaviest burden in this area. His spiritual practice and character is measured by how well he treats his wife.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The most complete of believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are the best in behavior to their women.” (Tirmidhi)

But this doesn’t excuse us women from taking charge of ourselves and doing everything we can to improve the very relationship we have chosen to be in.

I always say, yes, it takes two people to make a marriage work but it only takes one person to start inspiring those changes.

Why not strive to be that person? Why not strive to earn the pleasure of Allah by being better to your husband? As a Muslim woman, you cannot ignore the fact that you are responsible for your own soul and what you say and do. Your marriage is one huge opportunity to improve your own character and do more to seek the pleasure of Allah.

As someone who has spent more than a decade now coaching women in their relationships I can attest to the fact that, unless there is emotional and physical abuse present, she is also responsible for the state of the marriage. (With abuse, this advice changes.) *

Both people create patterns together.

Both people have a chemistry they are are creating based on how they react and response to each other.

When you change yourself, you change that reaction. You start to change that pattern.

You have more influence in your marriage than you probably realize! You also have more opportunities to focus on the purification of your heart.

Allah says in The Qur’an; “He has succeeded who purifies the soul, and he has failed who corrupts the soul” (Qur’an: 91:9-10)

Du’a + Action = CHANGE

Combine du’a with the actions you are planning to take and you will, insha’Allah, see positive changes.

Change comes slowly and requires some consistency. For most people they need an average of 3-6 months to see a relationship pattern completely shift to where there is better communication, connection, and understanding of each other.

So, have a little patience and full trust in Allah and remember that every action you take for the sake of Allah is written for you as a reward you are earning, insha’Allah!

If you aren’t sure what to do next for change, then consider reaching out for some support, taking an online program, or starting with a simple ebook.

May Allah allow us to be honest about our own shortcomings, hold ourselves to account before we are held to account, and to honor our marriages, spouses, and strive to become better servants of the Most Merciful.

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https://wivesofjannah.com


*This article is intended for women in safe marriages. When there is emotional abuse or physical abuse taking place in a marriage the advice changes. A woman needs to seek safety and outside intervention when any abuse is taking place. In this case, no matter how hard she tries to be better an abusive individual will take advantage of her. Learn about cycles of abuse here.

What About You And Allah?
By Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah

One of the most important relationships you have in your life is the one between you and Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala. Unfortunately, it’s one that often gets neglected once a woman gets married and then shifts a lot of her time and energy to her husband or growing family. Perhaps because I’m such a busy person myself you’ll notice my recommendations to reactive that relationship all take into account being busy and often on the go.

When I’m coaching someone who feels their iman is a bit low, I’m always looking for small and simple ways she can nurture her iman and her relationship with Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, that are do-able and don’t leave her feeling guilty because she didn’t do every single prescribed sunnah in the course of a day. (Guilt helps no one!)Islam invites development in us and offers structure in our lives but it also comes with ease and immense flexibility at the same time.

Here are some simple ways to bring that relationship back to the top of your priority list if you feel like your iman has been a little low and your personal dialogues with Allah have been a bit more infrequent.
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​He is Talking to You Too

There is such a mercy in our five daily prescribed prayers which allows us the opportunity, even the excuse, to stop and pray. Even when the quality of that prayer isn’t its best, there is still that chance to pause. That find that moment where the heart focused on what was being said by the tongue. That little extra pause in sujood where you remember to ask Allah for something you need or thank Him for something you feel blessed by.

It’s bringing the remembrance of Him into your home. This is part of that structure that sets us up to succeed. 
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​One thing that amplifies the salah for me in terms of my own personal experience is remembering that when I recite Surah Al-Fatihah I’m not just reciting verses from The Qur’an.
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​I am having a direct dialogue with my Lord. How present I am is my personal challenge but I know that my Lord is ever-present with me. Allow your heart to absorb this reminder:
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​The Prophet (SAW) said; “Allah the exalted said, ‘I have divided the prayer (Surah Al-Fatihah) into two halves between Me and My servant. A half of it is for Me and a half for My servant, and My servant shall acquire what he asked for.

If he says, ‘All praise and thanks be to Allah, the Lord of existence,' Allah says, ‘My servant has praised Me.’

When the servant says, ‘The Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.’ Allah says, ‘My servant has glorified Me.

’When he says, ‘Master of the Day of Judgment.’ Allah says, ‘My servant has glorified Me.’

When he says, ‘You (alone) we worship, and You (alone) we ask for help.’ Allah says, ‘This is between Me and My servant, and My servant shall acquire what he sought.’

When he says, ‘Guide us to the straight path. The way of those on whom You have granted Your grace, not (the way) of those who earned Your anger, nor of those who went astray.’ Allah says, ‘This is for My servant, and My servant shall acquire what he asked for.’
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​(Sahih Muslim and Sunan An-Nisai)

The Gift of Dhikr

One of easiest things to do to awaken your heart is to make dhikr. You can do this anywhere and at anytime. While taking a walk, making breakfast, driving kids to school or an activity, or after you’ve prayed one of the five daily prayers.

Sometimes, people overcomplicate dhikr and feel they have to say specific things for a certain amount of time and they begin to neglect the practice. While there are recommended times of the day or evening to say things and recommended numbers of times to say many things, the most important goal is to just do it!

Anytime and anywhere and in whatever way your heart feels connected to the words I encourage you to make dhikr. Some people love sending blessings to the Prophet Muhammad, by saying, “Allahuma salli ‘ala Muhammad.”

I once heard from a sister about how whenever she cooked food she would say this over and over again. While chopping those carrots or stirring that pot she would remember our beloved Prophet and hoped this also brought more barakah to her time and her food that she was serving. It’s now one of my favorite times to make dhikr.

Others enjoy remembering Allah saying, “la ilala il Allah.” Perhaps because I find the freeway a bit of a stressful place to be I find this one comes more naturally to me at that time. Maybe it’s a bit of my anxiety in worrying I’ll die in a car crash that keeps this on my tongue on the hopes that my shahadah would be on my lips! (May Allah grant us all a good end.)

There are so many easy, simple ways to make dhikr. Every single phrase you might say is rewarding and beneficial for you so begin with a time and a phrase that is meaningful for you on a personal level.

The Power of Audio

Honestly, we are extremely spoiled with the amount of knowledge that’s available online. From Youtube to Facebook to IG and now podcasts there are so many ways to listen, learn, and multi-task. I know when I launched my own Wives of Jannah podcast, I envisioned woman having just twenty minutes available to listen to something. I thought of that short drive back from dropping off kids somewhere or that window of time when the kids were all quietly playing before their next sibling squabble. I imagined a wife doing a 30 minute treadmill walk or finally putting her feet up after a long day.

We are all very busy for one reason or another but audio allows us a chance to dive into a world of reminders without having to stop doing something else. While it may be ideal to sit down and be completely focused on a lecture while having your evening tea it’s not practical for everyone. So listen and multi-task! 

Choose speakers you enjoy and topics that get the gears turning in your head.

Things that spark an aliveness in you when you discuss the topic. (Last night I dived into a topic regrading the removal of hijab in Egypt early 1900s and then how it came back, much to the surprise of many people, in the 80s and 90s! It’s one of “my things.”)

I’ve had some clients spend 10 minutes on a Sunday lining up their Youtube lectures or podcast schedule so when they were out and about and busy they already knew what to play! Simply your life by choosing ahead of time if you need a little help getting organized.

Being Vulnerable and Honest with Allah

Many non-Muslims have asked me, “Why can’t you just talk to God whenever you want to? Why just five times a day?” I love this question because it gives me a chance to share with them that we have three ways of praying as Muslims.

 1) Salah - the five daily prayers which involve physical movements and some requirements within a specific time frame.

2) Du’a - being able to open our hands and talk to God at anytime about anything we want

3) Munajat - talking to Allah secretly and silently in one’s mind.

We actually have so many ways to connect with our Lord and all of them are very personal even if some of them can be down in a communal setting.

So while the five daily prayers are part of our structure to help us keep our hearts alive with the remembrance of our Lord and the purpose of our lives we have other ways to speak.

The third one is important for many people when they discover that they can silently call out to Allah.

Sometimes, they aren’t in a situation to sit down and raise their hands but it doesn’t mean their conversation with Allah has to be cut off. You could be laying down on your pillow, right next to your husband, and be having a full on dialogue with Allah from your heart. What your lips don’t utter your mind does and Allah knows that which is within your heart and mind. 
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​What I’d like to encourage you to do here is be vulnerable with Allah.
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​Many of my programs introduce people to a concept I call Fearless Vulnerability. In short, I’m teaching others how to be brutally honest with themselves first, and eventually, their spouses.

But where I didn’t realize people needed this advice was also in how they communicated with Allah. I discovered over the past ten years that many people don’t actually open up to Allah. They say prescribed du’a and do their five daily prayers but they are hiding what’s really in their hearts.

They aren’t speaking to Allah about what pains them, what burdens them, what frightens them, or what they need. They aren’t asking for His guidance, mercy, forgiveness, or love.

Fearless Vulnerability will transform you as a person, your relationships with human beings, and it can most definitely transform how you connect with your Lord.
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​So open up! Speak unscripted. Let the distance melt between your heart and His mercy and love. 
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​What’s Your First Step?

If you’ve felt inspired from something in this post then think of your next step!

What will you do in the next few hours? What could you do in the next few hours?

And of course if you have any tips you’d like to share with others please comment below and help another sister out who may be struggling a bit.

Jazakum Allahu Khairan! 

Resolving Marital Tension
by Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah

"Catch them doing something good" is a phrase many people have heard around kids. Parents are told to look out for what their kids are doing right and praise them and appreciate them for it. This helps reduce the amount of negative commentary kids hear. Interesting enough, this concept works well with spouses. 

When a husband and a wife are living with constant tension, irritation, and impatience with each other it's obvious to me they no longer can see the good in each other. 

They only see what's wrong. 

But while there may, in fact, be wrong things present it doesn't mean there isn't any good either.

Most of the time, there is way more good present but because no one is looking for it, it's not being recognized.

One of the common assignments I often give when working with a couple is to ask a wife or a husband to specifically LOOK for the actions their spouse is doing and recognize it. 

Depending on the state of the relationship they may recognize it verbally with appreciation, or simply note it down in a journal or google doc.

The goal is to first see what is going well in the relationship and what good is coming from their spouse.

It's difficult at first because if the good were enough, one might think, there would be no need to search for it. 

But miraculous changes occur with that mental shift. 

She notices how he gently holds his son's hand after Jumu'ah prayer...

She notices how he took care of picking up her prescription medication from the pharmacy without being reminded...

She notices how he asked about her parents after she had a phone call with them....

She notices that despite being exhausted about his long commute from work he doesn't complain and instead helps her set the table for dinner....

She notices that she has never had a day without hot water because her husband always pays the water and gall bill....

I know what you might be thinking.

"He is supposed to do these things. He's a freaking man! Why should I praise him for doing what he's supposed to do"

And that's where the problem lies. Right there between those words.

There are a lot of things you are "supposed" to do as a woman, right? But I'm pretty sure you'd love it if your husband praised you, appreciated you, recognized you, and saw you. 

Being a man doesn't mean not having a heart.

Being a man doesn't mean not having feelings.

Being a man doesn't mean not desiring your wife's compliments, gratitude, or recognition.

Being a man means needing and having all of those things. 

A true man is not immune to your silence from recognizing his good but the consistency in pointing out his bad. 

He will suffocate.

And the reverse is true as well.

Both men and women need to be "caught doing something good" to use that phrase again.

So take a leaf from the pages of my coaching book and apply this in your marriage.

No matter what stage your relationship is in right now, seeing the good will benefit your heart and your relationship.

You may be surprised at how quickly your heart changes when you look with a pair of fair eyes and an open heart.

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Learn more:
Relationship coaching: wivesofjannah.com/coaching 

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Please note: Wives of Jannah posts/content is written for women who are in emotionally and physically safe marriages. If you believe you are being emotionally or physically abused please understand that general marital advice, like this post, does not apply. It can actually harm you further. Please seek local professional help from those who specialize in working with abused women. Take care of yourself. <3