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Never Debase Yourself

Never Debase Yourself
by Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah

Islam never asks a woman to debase herself in order to earn the pleasure of Allah.

Which means you should never debase yourself in order to seek the pleasure of your husband.

Islam elevates the status of women. Always.

Obedience to your husband is about supporting his leadership and the responsibility he has in front of his Lord to guide and care for his family.

It's a huge, huge responsibility. One he will be questioned about.

It's about letting him take care of you and protect you.

If you don't feel like you'd want to obey your husband, generally speaking, then there is a bigger issue at hand.

It means that his choices aren't about honoring and elevating you.

Part of being a wife who is seeking Jannah is to also remember your worth as a human being and to never let any other human being take that away from you.

The path to Jannah is not paved by debasing ourselves or throwing our values, dignity, and self-worth out the window.

This is not the goal and has never been the goal of marriage in Islam.

If you want to fight for your marriage then do it but not by hollowing yourself out and becoming a woman with no voice and no values.

A man isn't always right by virtue of being male.

He isn't always on the right path just because he's male.

He can oppress others. He can harm others. He can do wrong. He can commit a sin.

And when he does he needs someone else to be his mirror and give him the chance to recognize his mistakes so he can correct them.

Abu Huraira said, “The believer is a mirror to his brother. If he sees something wrong in him, he should correct it.”  (1)

Women, many women, need to hear this and be reminded of this.

God does not favor men in Islam.

He does not "make men right" just because they are men.

Which means that as a noble women your voice is as important, has virtuous, and as needed as his voice.

Let us not confuse a leadership model that seeks to provide support and protection with gender superiority.

You, as a woman, always have a right to be heard, seen, and your needs recognized and valued.

While I deeply value my work in strengthening marriages, I also deeply value the human beings involved and want them to be in a marriage that is emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy.

The goal of a marriage isn't to be legally halal people living under one roof.The goal of marriage is to build a life of submission to Allah together and to raise a family who worships and remembers Him.

The goal of marriage is to offer love, companionship, intimacy, and support to one and other.

"And one of His signs is that He created for you spouses from among yourselves so that you may find comfort in them. And He has placed between you compassion and mercy. Surely in this are signs for people who reflect." (30:21)

So yes, fight for your marriage but understand what you must fight for in order to end up with a relationship that nourishes your life vs. one that destroys it. 

May Allah reward you every step of the way and support you in finding solutions that support you and your marriage. 

Protect Your Sanity & Your Marriage

Protect Your Sanity & Your Marriage During the Coronavirus Lockdown 
by Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah

As I write this blog post experts are saying that the worst has yet to come regarding the Coronavirus. Families have spent weeks in lockdown mode scrambling to find some degree of normalcy while stress and tension continues to increase.

For some families it's having to adjust to working full time while the kids are home and suddenly being responsible for their education. For other families, there are elderly parents living in the home and the constant fear that someone is going to bring the virus back home and make them sick. While some spouses have salaried jobs that continue to pay, others are being laid off with no salary in sight. Kids are bickering left and right and there isn't anywhere to go or escape to except...and this is still a maybe...the bathroom!

Jokes are floating around social media reminding people what day of the week it is, to try their jeans on to keep an eye on their weight (hello pajama pants), and to remember that they just ate a bit ago and to leave the kitchen. 

All jokes aside, being in close proximity with so many stressful things happening all at once can take a toll on a marriage. Previous issues that would cause fighting can get triggered more easily when you're on top of each other's heads all the time. Expectations aren't clear, everyone is getting grumpy, and....boom. A couple has a major blowout fight with the kids in the front row watching. 

I want to share with you some tips to help you maintain your personal sanity and protect your marriage. 

1) Maintain Your Sanity. 

Yes, I noticed I just repeated myself and it's for an important reason. Your mental well being is the first and most important priority to keeping your marriage in tact right now. If you aren't well, then it's only a matter of time before you start taking things out on your husband, scolding your kids over small issues you'd normally let go of, and find yourself unraveling.

I NEED YOU TO DO THE THINGS THAT WILL HELP YOU STAY SANE.

You will have to create a new sanity ritual in your family schedule. Don't wait for the kids to be perfect, for the house to be clean and organized, or for your husband to decide to ask you, "Do you need alone time?"

You've got to take charge of your well being by taking charge of the family. Children, especially, have no limit to what they need and want. You have to be the one to set boundaries. (A tip needed even pre-lockdown lifestyle may I add.) 

Your husband may work all day and then expect his normal nighttime routine of dinner, phone, prayer, and sleep to continue because he hasn't noticed that your life has completely changed too. 

Don't fault anyone for not noticing your needs; advocate for them. 

2) Take a private walk outside.

If your not forbidden from state laws to walk outside for fresh air, please make sure you do it every single day without any kids or your husband. Nothing personal to anyone but you need to go out and just hear yourself think for a bit. You don't have to make your walk strenuous, although cardio exercise is good for you, but you need to see the sky, hear the birds, or just breathe fresh air. Take advantage of your local neighborhood walking paths or nearby trails while maintaining social distancing. If you can go first thing in the morning, you'll start your day having given yourself some of your best energy. It's a lot easier to take care of the family when you feel like you've taken care of yourself and immersed yourself in nature and light exercise.

3) Make alone time boundaries in the house. 

Allow certain times of the day to be the time you go in your room, shut the door, and do absolutely nothing or anything you want. Your husband needs that permission and so do you. If your kids are old enough to go off alone to their rooms then send them off for the same. If you have little ones, trade off on "pretend I'm not home" time with your husband. If your house is snug with everyone being there at the same time this becomes even more important just to create a little space for everyone. Togetherness is lovely except when it's just too much and everyone feels overstimulated. Don't feel guilty for wanting space. It's normal. 

4) Reduce kitchen work. 

If you argued before about cooking and dishes and cleanup things are going to get even more heated in the kitchen if you don't make some changes to keep you not just sane but less reasons to feel irritated with the family. Use one water bottle for each person in the family for water so cups don't pile up. Or choose one cup a day, one plate and one set of silverware. Everyone washes their own stuff unless they are under four feet tall. This way you aren't living in the kitchen waking in circles are the minutes of the day are lost in breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. Everyone should do their part to lighten the load. Make it easy for them to help you. 

5) Virtual playdates = sanity time. 

My kids have been enjoying some virtual playdates with their friends. It's been so wonderful hearing them laugh and talk with their friends. My five year old discussed legos with a friend, and my eight year old played dolls with her friend who had her own. The kids have been making robots from packaging and cans they find and sharing them together online. Let them talk to their friends, let them enjoy time together, and then use that time either for yourself to relax or maybe for you and your husband to catch up alone. Facetime, for example, can host up to thirty people for free on one video call. That's probably too many kids at once but even a group of five will keep them entertained for quite awhile. 

6) Pray together. 

As often as you can, pray with your husband. Take that spiritual break together to remember Allah and share a space that is heart softening for the both of you. By coming together for prayer you are both supporting each other in taking conscious breaks for the sake of Allah - breaks that you both desperately need even if you don't realize it. The remembrance of Allah is one of the most important ingredients for your relationship. It helps you keep yourself in check, and let go of things that aren't worth holding on to. 

7) Avoid major stressful discussions if you can.

If you feel that tension is high in your household right now it may not be the best time to make some major decisions or talk about major on-going challenges you have both been facing. When dealing with stressful situations, space and breathing room can go a long way in keeping attitudes cool and calm. If you can avoid major topics which are stressful, then put things on the back burner. Especially if you or your husband have just lost your stream of income, someone in the family is sick, or you recognize that either of you are really struggling to find balance right now. Be merciful, be patient, and be gentle. There is a time for everything. Check in with yourself to see if now is really the right time. 

8) Call your friends. 

You need your sisters and your social life. You might not be able to meet people right now in person but phones and video chats work for you too. Virtual tea time is a thing. Create hangouts with your friends, check in on others, and make space for you to catch up on each other's lives. Don't allow yourself to truly feel isolated. Women need other women in general, otherwise they risk putting all of the burden for their emotional needs onto their husbands. Of course, a husband and wife should have their own emotional bond and dialogue, but friends help balance the need for interaction, sharing, venting, and connecting. 

9) Make time for intimacy. 

This one might be a little more tricky if you have a full house all of the time, but none the less, it's an important part of your marriage. With days and nights blending together right now you might find that a week is flying by and you haven't once even hugged let alone been intimate. Check in with each other and make space and time to be together. Things may not be perfect right now, but relationship maintenance keeps things from becoming terrible insha'Allah. 

You'll notice that most of these items on this list are relationship tips that are beneficial anytime. Many of these are the same goals that wives and couples I work with in coaching end up focusing on. Things like alone time, walking alone, or connecting with friends sound so simple but so many women don't focus on their own self care. 

When you take care of you, you are better at taking care of and loving others. Hang in there. We're all in this together. <3 

The Golden Rule in Marriage

The Golden Rule in Marriage
by Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah

There is a beautiful hadith which many of us are familiar with but we rarely think about within the context of marriage.

Anas narrated that the Prophet (saw) said:"None of you believes until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself." (1)

This hadith is version of the golden rule where we treat others as we’d like to be treated. Yet, it’s much more powerful than that because this hadith equates our faith, our level of iman, with how much we want someone around us to have the same things we love.

Your spouse has an ever greater status in your life than “your brother” or “your sister” in Islam because of the level of closeness and the importance of the relationship. 
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​Yet one of the most common relationship patterns I coach people to move beyond is the pattern of withholding love and kind actions towards their spouse because they want to get, first, what it is they could potentially give.

If you see yourself as a really giving and kind person to others but not as much with your husband it’s time to rethink your relationship strategy. He isn’t perfect. He never will be perfect and he is going to do things that annoy you and upset you from time to time.If you live with anyone day in and day out, year after year, I promise you they will also annoy you and upset you.

The fact that things aren’t perfect isn’t a reason for you not to show up as your best self and give the best you can give, for the sake of Allah, in your relationship.

Don’t hold back on goodness. Don’t hold back on love. Don’t hold back on loving actions. 
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​Be the person you want to be in front of Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala because it’s the person you are. The person you are, and will become, isn’t defined by what your husband does or doesn’t do. It’s defined by who you decide to be.
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​Do your best to be a mirror of the person you want your husband to be for you.

In other words, want for him what you truly want for yourself.

 “I’m always nice but he doesn’t pay enough attention to me.”
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​You might be thinking this as you read this post. I hear you. I hear you loud and clear and I understand that a good marriage needs two people both making the same effort to treat each other well and take care of each others needs. I absolutely hear you.

One of the things I help women do in my coaching program is help them develop the voice, words, and opportunity to express what they need more of in their marriages. If this is you, and you feel upset reading this then there is a good chance you aren’t feeling fulfilled in your relationship right now. That most definitely needs some to be changed.

I want you to feel loved, supported, and cherished in your relationship. If that’s not how things are, yet, then consider what steps you could take to help things change. If what you’ve been doing isn’t working for you, it’s time for a new approach. *

But do consider the fact that when you do something for your husband, while loving him for the sake of Allah, you are also nurturing your iman.

You are being encouraged to be selfless and giving in a way that’s consistent with what you hope he would be for you.

Selflessness doesn’t mean, just to clarify, doing something that is harmful for you.

It means to see the person and opportunity in front of you to give love to the person you love for no other reason than love itself and seeking the love of Allah. 

Yes, it’s a high standard. Islam sets high standards for all of us to aim for. The bar is high but the bar brings about rewards in this life and in the Hereafter.

Here is a simple and sweet example which I found in the hadith which reflects wanting for spouse what you want for yourself.

Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah: A woman said to the Prophet (ﷺ): Invoke blessing on me as well as on my husband. The Prophet (ﷺ) said: May Allah send blessing on you and your husband. (2)

As you go through your day and week think about small but loving actions you can bring into your marriage and do them knowing that every single kind action is being done for the sake of Allah and seeking to perfect your own character and iman.

“And those who believe and do good will be the residents of Paradise. They will be there forever.” (Qur’an: 2:82)



* Note: This post is for wives in safe relationships free of emotional or physical abuse. If you feel you are being mistreated at this level, please seek professional​ help.

Du’a + Action


Du'a + Action
by Megan Wyatt,
Founder of Wives of Jannah

Many of my coaching clients share with me how hard they are making du’a for something they need in their life. Specifically, changes they are hoping for in their marriage. Turning to Allah is the best and first place to turn because everything we need and want is given to us by Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala.

I’m always inspired by the level of iman and commitment many of the people I interact with have. It’s amazing how many of the servants of God are up before Fajr praying tahajjud. (May Allah make us of those who pray to Him at this time!)

With du’a, we have to also talk about taking action.

Consider the following ayah:
“Whatever of good reaches you, is from Allah, but whatever of evil befalls you, is from yourself…” [Surah al-Nisa’ 4:79]

When it comes to your relationship, it’s important to understand that both you and your husband are making conscious choices every single day about how you want to show up in your marriage.

What you say is a choice.

What you do is a choice.

How you both are treating one and other is, ultimately, a choice.

When you are upset it’s easy to blame your husband for how you reacted to something he said or did but, as a Muslim, you are also responsible in front of Allah for your choices. Same for him.

This idea of having to choose is extremely important to remember.

If you want your relationship to improve, after seeking the help and guidance of Allah, sit down and consider what specific actions you could take to improve how you are treating your husband.

Focus, first and foremost, on yourself and how you influence your marriage. Hold yourself to account for your words and actions and see what happens when you start to hold your tongue when you’re angry, apologize first, smile and make an effort to be more cheerful, and plan meaningful activities together.

The social media world has, unfortunately, led many women to believe that they owe their husbands nothing. That everything is his fault. That his imperfections have to be dealt with first.

Most advice for women is always followed up with, “How come you aren’t telling this to men! Why is it always a woman’s job to improve the marriage?”

The husband, being the leader of the family, actually carries the heaviest burden in this area. His spiritual practice and character is measured by how well he treats his wife.

Abu Huraira reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The most complete of believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are the best in behavior to their women.” (Tirmidhi)

But this doesn’t excuse us women from taking charge of ourselves and doing everything we can to improve the very relationship we have chosen to be in.

I always say, yes, it takes two people to make a marriage work but it only takes one person to start inspiring those changes.

Why not strive to be that person? Why not strive to earn the pleasure of Allah by being better to your husband? As a Muslim woman, you cannot ignore the fact that you are responsible for your own soul and what you say and do. Your marriage is one huge opportunity to improve your own character and do more to seek the pleasure of Allah.

As someone who has spent more than a decade now coaching women in their relationships I can attest to the fact that, unless there is emotional and physical abuse present, she is also responsible for the state of the marriage. (With abuse, this advice changes.) *

Both people create patterns together.

Both people have a chemistry they are are creating based on how they react and response to each other.

When you change yourself, you change that reaction. You start to change that pattern.

You have more influence in your marriage than you probably realize! You also have more opportunities to focus on the purification of your heart.

Allah says in The Qur’an; “He has succeeded who purifies the soul, and he has failed who corrupts the soul” (Qur’an: 91:9-10)

Du’a + Action = CHANGE

Combine du’a with the actions you are planning to take and you will, insha’Allah, see positive changes.

Change comes slowly and requires some consistency. For most people they need an average of 3-6 months to see a relationship pattern completely shift to where there is better communication, connection, and understanding of each other.

So, have a little patience and full trust in Allah and remember that every action you take for the sake of Allah is written for you as a reward you are earning, insha’Allah!

If you aren’t sure what to do next for change, then consider reaching out for some support, taking an online program, or starting with a simple ebook.

May Allah allow us to be honest about our own shortcomings, hold ourselves to account before we are held to account, and to honor our marriages, spouses, and strive to become better servants of the Most Merciful.

***
https://wivesofjannah.com


*This article is intended for women in safe marriages. When there is emotional abuse or physical abuse taking place in a marriage the advice changes. A woman needs to seek safety and outside intervention when any abuse is taking place. In this case, no matter how hard she tries to be better an abusive individual will take advantage of her. Learn about cycles of abuse here.

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