Q: How do you interact with a husband who has less Islamic knowledge and is spiritually less active than you? 

The Prophet (saw) said in a beautiful hadith “I have only been sent to perfect good moral character.” (Ahmad)

The way you interact with your husband is by striving to be the most loving, awesome wife on the planet to him because you chose to marry him, and there must have been obvious reasons for making this decision.

What is interesting, however, is that when a spouse claims to be more religious than the other, they are often looking at Islam in a very narrow format. For example, the wife goes to a weekly halaqah, reads Qur’an everyday, makes dhikr after prayers, listen to lectures regularly on Youtube and doesn’t watch TV. For her, this is what religiosity looks like.

Her husband does none of those things, and so she finds herself believing she is more spiritually active than him.

However, he goes to work every day to provide for his family.

He is honest, never cheats anyone, is generous with his income with his family, kind to his wife and children, doesn’t complain much, helps around the house and with the kids as much as he can, sends money to take care of his aging parents abroad, doesn’t drink alcohol or joke around about good-looking women like other men at work and prays his five prayers a day.

On some days, he misses one, and often oversleep at Fajr time, but daily makes the commitment in his heart to be a better person with Allah SWT, and keeps trying to improve.

Which part of Islam is he practising that isn't being noticed by his wife because she is only checking off items against those on on her own list?

When a couple clashes, it’s less so over who is more religious and more about each person’s understanding of Islam and what being Muslim means to them. I feel, specifically for a couple, this is an important point to be aware of.

It doesn’t mean there might not be tough conversations about lifestyle choices, how to raise the kids, what to spend money on and so forth.

But all couples have those conversations, even when they appear to be on the same religious wavelength. Which is why, when I am working with a wife or a couple in private coaching, I often block the excuse of being different religiously as the absolute reason the couple is struggling with each other.

Usually, when we expand the situation and explore it a bit, we find that there are many factors contributing to their stress, and religious issues make up a part of that, but not all of it.

Finally, remember that you may be the person Allah SWT sent into the life of your husband to help him lovingly come closer to Allah SWT and his practice of Islam.

It’s such a tragedy when people become more practising of Islam, and return to their homes to become judgmental, critical, arrogant and harsh to those around them.

Every person is accountable for the state of their iman, but we are also accountable for how we invite or turn away those we love from Islam.

Suggested 7 Day Journal Exercise:

Over the next seven days, make a daily journal of all the things your husband does for you or to benefit you. Start by looking at the things you take for granted and forget to attribute to him. Then start looking harder at the small moments - a kind word, a hug, that he remembered to pick up something you asked him for.

Note that all of this is done to please you and understand that as his intention. Evaluate after this first week how you feel about him.

Repeat for the second week: adding to the journal every day again, but this time add in another category.

In the second category, I want you to take note if you showed appreciation, affection and overall awareness of your husband’s actions or not to him. This begins the journey of finding out how many of his emotional needs are being met too.

By week three, we can begin to have a better picture of what is going on within your marriage in reality, making it easier to create a positive roadmap for connection, intimacy and positive change for both of you.

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Here is a video interview I did with Shaykha Muslema Purmul asking about this same question. It's called:Different Religious Wavelengths: How to Keep the Love Strong. You can watch Part 1/4 below and find the rest here on the Wives of Jannah youtube channel.