It's Your Duty? Hmm.....
by Megan Wyatt, Founder of Wives of Jannah
If you struggle with sexual intimacy with your husband from an emotional angle, you may have wound up feeling guilty, ashamed, abnormal, and maybe even thinking you aren’t an ideal wife.
Along with movies and other media, we are led to believe that sex is something "sexy women" are always wanting to do. And if you aren’t interested, one simply needs to “do” the right things to change that.
Sometimes, this is true.
A wife isn’t sure what turns her on to her husband, or her husband has no idea what to do, or that he should be doing anything at all to help her desire him. In this case, figuring out what the right thing to do can make a huge difference.
But you are human. And sex is complicated. It's not just physical, but emotional and spiritual as well.
Ever come across advice like this? “Come on sisters, you are your husband's only halal outlet. You have to make yourself available to your husband.”
And the phrase that makes me cringe the most .... "It's your duty!"
Fine, you should make yourself available but is it simply because you are his “only halal outlet?” Is that it? Is intimacy just a place to drain away energy? Is that how shallow our conversations are?
What if when he reaches to touch you, your whole body feels like running away?
What if it’s incredibly unsatisfying for you emotionally or physically?
What do you do when intimacy creates tension, not love or significance for either of you?
These are the kind of questions I tackle in my relationship coaching program on a consistent basis because my end goal is for both a husband and a wife to enjoy intimacy and feel honored throughout their time together.
That should be the goal of any loving relationship, plain and simple, and anyone who is advising otherwise is harming the long term health of a marital relationship.
One solution to the lack of a mutually satisfying intimate life for couples was when I created the Passionate and Deeply Connected intimacy e-course. I walk participants through a number of unique exercises to help them safely honor their emotions surrounding intimacy - whether it’s fears, hurt, stress over the timing or environment, or beliefs about themselves or sex itself which are getting in the way.
Once you know yourself better, you’ll be able to increase the opportunities for you both to be intimate and be happy together without one person feeling like the are compromising.
It's about finding a win-win for both people in the relationship and raising the bar beyond "duty" to an experience that meaningful.